I think this is the journey that we all have to navigate.
And it’s not always about gender identity - it can be whatever we take to be ourselves; whatever has become, for whatever reason, really important for us to put our focus on. For me, gender identity wasn’t a major focal point. Important to a point but not something that stressed me out or shaped my journey. But there have been other things that have shaped who and what I take myself to be.
And it’s always - so it seems to me - a case of accepting how we are, how we feel and how we can sing in this world with grace…I mean, how we can express ourselves in this world. Because to exist is to express ourselves - whether we want to or not. But sometimes it feels like we actively choose and set a particular direction and other times it feels like we are in the flow of a stream that can feel stronger than ourselves.
For me it is about finding that place where I acknowledge what I am and have love viewed through the Dhamma. But it’s also about allowing this to disappear and recognising that it can and does - sometimes when I deliberately focus on something else, and other times - in it’s own sweet time.
I think, I don’t know, after a while…we stop caring about what we take ourselves to be. Because we realise, eventually and over time too perhaps, that these things pass… They are as unreliable as the wind. Only, for me, the things I still identify with, no matter how much I might tell myself on an intellectual level that they are “not-self”, don’t feel like the wind…they feel like the earth when heavy machinery has driven over it - unyielding and compacted!
I think what you’ve described is a normal part of the journey. Resolution comes…but I think only in bits and pieces and gradually and one day completely…I hope! But in the mean time, I’m trying to encourage myself to relax about it because it’s just a normal part of the journey…and if anatta is true…then it means all I can do (as all the wonderful teachers say) is put the causes in - make the wholesome kamma - and the results will come at a time when the kamma ripens. And not because of “me”, not because of some (mis)perceived atta.
I guess the thing with the process of dependent origination - as far as my limited intellectual understanding goes - is that it is essentially a process that demonstrates the nitty gritty of how craving works from life to life. The Ignorance of not completely understanding (in a visceral, experiential, deeply, widely, clear, clear, clear way) the 4 Noble Truths etc. mean we continue to crave and create sankharas, make kamma and experience/feel (contact/vedana) the results.
Perhaps this also means that craving can be used as a servant of the 8 Fold Path. For craving is intrinsic to what we are. We can’t get rid of it until the end or close to the end. So we may as well use the thing; we may as well use what we are, or rather that aspect of ourselves that is so elementally essential to us - at least until we see through it.
For me, these days, this is what Right Intention is about. Setting your intention within the parameters of the 3 facets of Right Intention (or Right Thought as Bhante Sujato translates it) is very powerful. And it ties in with the Buddha’s teachings on the 4 Iddipadas; chanda , the first iddipada, is about giving your consent to cultivate your mind in a particular direction - that’s how I have heard it translated by Ajahn Brahm many years ago - I think…it was a while ago now!!
Anyway, I think it’s about setting your intention. Interestingly, to put your “chanda”, in Singhalese, means to cast your vote - to give your vote to the direction you want a particular election to go. (Though I like Bhante Sujato’s translation of “enthusiasm” too. If you’re enthusiastic, you kind of head in a particular direction…sort of naturally… I dunno, for me, it makes sense for it to link in with setting one’s intention clearly, using the craving we’re all teeming with anyway (!!) for the purpose of cultivation of the wholesomeness of the 8 Fold Path.)
So for me, when it comes to accepting or letting go of identity. It’s best not to ask myself what I should do. Rather, if I’m approaching the matter from within Right Intention - and it leads me to feel more peace and love towards myself and others…then that’s the way to go. And I think being present is really important - that way you take each situation as it comes and only focus on it if there’s a real need to. I mean, if I’m peacefully going along, I’m not going to drag my identity issues into focus because, well, I figure suffering/trouble will find me anyway, I ain’t gonna go looking for it!!! Not deliberately/intentionally anyways!
Sorry…so rambly!! But thanks Rosie for sharing your very real, honest, heartfelt concerns about your Practise. I hope my response/sharing is helpful and if not - please do just leave it aside.
With metta