Apologizing in the suttas

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Hello everyone,

I have been thinking about Right speech and apologizing.
Now, in every cultural setting I’m aware of, great emphasis is placed on apologizing in social interactions. We say sorry in all kinds of instances: If we bump into somebody accidentally, if we said something wrong/offensive/hurtful. If we can’t make it on time etc.

I think we all have been in situations where somebody said „I’m sorry“ but didn’t really mean it - it was just a hollow phrase. But when spoken in an earnest, heartfelt way, it can be a cathartic moment for the speaker and a relief or a nod of acknowledgement for the receiver. It can be something like a fresh start for both. What I really like about the phrasing in some suttas (e.g. in MN 61 where the Buddha gives advice to Rahula) is how speaking can affect both – the speaker and the interlocutor.

‘Does this act of speech that I want to do lead to hurting myself, hurting others, or hurting both?

(Ven. Sujato’s translation)

Now, I noticed that in the suttas there is not much apologizing taking place (or I haven’t read the relevant suttas and this post clearly demonstrates my ignorance)

I couldn’t even think of having read a Pali word for apologizing, so I checked the dictionary and found one:

caus. khamāpeti to pacify, to ask one’s pardon, to apologize (the one you’re saying sorry to would be in the accusative)

I’m interested in other people’s opinions why there is not much about the act of apologizing in the suttas. Is it because of the prescriptive nature? Is it because to acknowldge a mistake is a rather ‚private‘ business? Something you confess to yourself but not necessarily to another person? E.g. in AN 10.176 (and in other suttas) – the focus is clearly on abstaining from acting/speaking in a way that is harmful or non-factual.

There is an entry in Reading Faithfully for „asking forgiveness“ listing some suttas. In AN 9.11 it is (somewhat) equated with ‚cleaning up after yourself‘. In AN 3.91 it’s about „recognizing and dealing with it properly“ which I assume equals to ‚confessing‘ (at least in this sutta).

But the question remains: What if the act of speech has done some damage? Wouldn’t the logic as stated above, i.e. the reciprocal nature of an act of speech call for dealing with or explaining how to go about apologizing in more detail given that Right speech is a path factor?

What are your thoughts on this?

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I agree with you about the cathartic nature of an earnest, heartfelt apology. I misbehaved badly as a teenager and caused my parents a lot of suffering. When I was older and a little wiser, I formally apologized to my parents about all the stress I put them through. I had been cordial with them for some time up to that point, but something still felt wrong. It was a huge weight off my shoulders and good for everybody involved.

I find many acts of apology in the suttas. It seems to be a universal moral law that people of good character apologize for their own mistakes and forgive others for theirs when appropriate. After all, to err is human. Here are just a few examples.

SN 1.35 - devas apologizing to the Buddha

AN 2.21 - the foolish person doesn’t recognize when they’ve made a mistake and doesn’t forgive others for their mistakes; the wise person does the opposite

AN 4.159 - a bhikkhuni apologizes to Venerable Ananda and he forgives her

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I think the SN 1.35 example Mkoll kindly linked to contains the heart of a genuine apology: a sincere admission of fault and the promise to make effort to not do it again.

Then those deities landed on the ground, bowed with their heads at the Buddha’s feet and said, “We have made a mistake, sir. It was foolish, stupid, and unskillful of us to presume to attack the Buddha! Please, sir, accept our mistake for what it is, so we will restrain ourselves in future.”<

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It seems more a posture of mind and heart as opposed to an act of speech. It doesn’t seem like we offer genuine and heartfelt apologies to others without recognizing what unwholesome or harmful actions were committed, like Mkoll and Adutiya note.

Is it more sammādiṭṭhi and sammāsaṅkappo?

Snp2.3 is sweet and more motivating for me, when it comes to matters of conscience.

I wouldn’t think apologies as a social convention or conversational technique would get passed down in the suttas, as a matter of priority – if they were in use at all back then. That feels like what you describe in the beginning of your post.

I can say that, as a woman in the workplace, it took years for me to stop apologizing as a default posture. I worked on two or three other ways to say, Well, I understand things didn’t turn out the way you were expecting. Literally, every day, I remember not to use it this way. Just saying “I’m sorry!” casually makes me feel smaller. I realize that’s not what you were getting at.

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So beautiful! Thank you! I didn’t know that Sutta.

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Thanks for starting this topic. It’s something I have been thinking about a bit lately. The best examples of apologies and forgiveness I have found are in the Vinaya. This is probably because this is the main place for interpersonal spiritual relations to be addressed.

The formulae for a monastic who has committed the offence:

  • clearly acknowledges the act that they have done and that it has caused harm,
  • the person they are acknowledge asks do you see? (the error/hurt)
  • the person causing the offence acknowledges that they see,
  • the person receiving the confession advises them to be more restrained in the future,
  • they express their intention to be more restrained in the future.

This is a really great process when done sincerely, as it acknowledges the harm and also sets the intention (programs mindfulness) to not do that kind of hurt again.

The way I was taught to apologise as a kid was having an adult stand over me and shame me (‘say sorry to x’) into apologising to x. This kind of apology is, at best, social lubricant.

There are certainly cultural aspects to apology. Take the British, they will say sorry for anything! If you walk into them, they will apologise. Across the English speaking cultures I have lived and have family in this varies so much.

ETA: [√kham is both the root for khanti (usually translated as patience, but also acceptance) and khamāpeti (apologises, ask for forgiveness). This makes me think about why khanti is the paramount way to burn of defilements.

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I was wondering about that…thanks for confirming :heart_eyes:

It is beautiful. It requires skillfulness by the person hearing the confession.

Ven. Pasanna, I’m not familiar with this? Is there a sutta or two I could review?

:raised_hands:

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Thanks everyone for sharing and pointing out sutta references!

There were many good remarks. First of all, I have also observed that the frequency and the ways of saying sorry varies greatly cross-culturally and also depends on one’s upbriging.

Secondly, there seems to be a tripartite pattern (in the suttas linked) when it comes to apologizing that takes into account the reciprocal nature of speech:

  1. admit that what one has done was foolish/wrong/hurtful
  2. state it to the person
  3. have the intention to work on it and do better in the future

Yeah, this would enforce the third aspect (the intent to do better in the furure) and that it is actually more about the ‘mind-set’ and sammāsaṅkappo as you noted. It makes sense to not limit it to Right Speech.

What I found really interesting is that apologizing is a formalized act within a monastic setting that follows a certain procedure as Ven. Pasanna has pointed out. I really like the ‘active’ approach, i.e. the mutual understanding that something has been done which was unwholesome which is expressed mutually when speaking about seeing it. :grinning: :clap:
I feel this is very imprtant and I wish this would be more of a thing between lay practicioners and people in general. This is btw a very important feature when working with people suffering from abuse and trauma and in mediation settings between two opposing parties: The acknowledgement that whatever has been done caused pain to the other person. In daily life, this part often gets omitted.

edit: Really interesting that the root √kham is used in this sense - I wasn’t aware of it.

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Khantī paramaṁ tapo titikkhā!

I say it every time I want someone to be patient. You can find it in CIPS

Dhp 184 (Bhante Sujato)

Patient acceptance is the ultimate fervor.
Khantī paramaṁ tapo titikkhā,

Four other translations

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Also in DN14

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