Is there is a contradiction between Buddhist teachings and western psychiatry and therapy when it comes to self-esteem.
One group are talking about letting go and being, whilst the positive psychology movement is about positive self-talk and doing.
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Self esteem in Buddhism is cultivated through actually being good. Itâs not some hollow self talk. If you are acting in a good way, then you should feel good about yourself, all the way to the point of basing a meditation on it, sÄ«lÄnussati and devatÄnussati.
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AN 5.34:
When he said this, General SÄ«ha said to the Buddha, âWhen it comes to those four fruits of giving that are apparent in the present life, I donât have to rely on faith in the Buddha, for I know them too. Iâm a giver, a donor, and am dear and beloved to many people. Iâm a giver, and true persons associate with me. Iâm a giver, and I have this good reputation: âGeneral SÄ«ha gives, serves, and attends on the Saáč gha.â
Iâm a giver, and I enter any kind of assembly bold and assured, whether itâs an assembly of aristocrats, brahmins, householders, or ascetics.
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Buddhism is not only about emptiness. In Buddhism, on the basis of ethics (called âsilaâ), self-esteem is a product of being ethical (where no positive self-talk is required).
An ethical person, who has fulfilled ethical conduct, need not make a wish: âMay I have no regrets!â Itâs only natural that an ethical person has no regrets.
AN 11.2
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Do you mean just meditating?
MN8
They might think theyâre practicing self-effacement.
But in the training of the Noble One these are not called âself-effacementâ;
theyâre called âblissful meditations in the present lifeâ.
The Buddhist path involves a whole lot more of work, waaay beyond just positive psychologyâŠ
you should work on self-effacement in each of the following waysâŠ
If one can achieve even a fraction of the 44 ways of development that follow, one will be far ahead of ordinary humans.
Check out the statement of the Buddha to the ascetic Upaka, shortly after the Buddhaâs enlightenment. Does this sound like someone with no âself esteemâ? 
MN26
âI am the champion, the knower of all,
unsullied in the midst of all things.
Iâve given up all, freed through the ending of craving.
Since I know for myself, whose follower should I be?I have no tutor.
There is no-one like me.
In the world with its gods,
I have no rival.For in this world, I am the perfected one;
I am the supreme Teacher.
I alone am fully awakened,
cooled, quenched.
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As i see it, any notion of self, idea of self, way of experiencing a self, is never apart from being involved in conceiving and conceit. Never apart from clinging to ideas.
The suttaâs portray a Buddha who understood conceiving and conceit as a fetter. Because what we conceive we see at that moment as reality and this is a distortion of true knowledge. We become easily lost in conceiving. Involved in a cinematic world. And while absorbed in it, we experience that as the reality, as how things really are. Which is not true. But it is felt like that.
It seems that the suttaâs express that Buddha saw conceiving and conceit as such a huge part of our lives, that it is not realistic that we would be able to transcent this at once. So, he makes use of this
mental ability to conceive a self, to conceive a world, the khandhaâs etc. To finally end this habitual proces of conceiving and becoming involved in it. It is like using a splinter to remove a splinter.
In our lives self-esteem is often based upon our performance, right? Being a great translator, boss of company, having this or that worldly skills etc. Being liked by others. Being loved, appreciated.
This self-esteem is fragile. Where is your self-esteem if you loose these skills or the people that appreciate/love/value you?
I think to see that people who have self-esteem issues, they long the most for being appreciated, loved, seen as skilled, great etc. Even that much that it becomes annoying and it feels they are narcists.
I think many in my country the Netherlands and also in my family are always preoccupied with self-esteem. I also see this in my life. All we do seems always loaded with it. Even participating on this forum. Seeking esteem, appreciation, some kind affirmation that we are great, good, wise, smart, that we have good will, that we are well-behaved, good buddhists etc.
There is almost nothing which is not loaded with these kind of longings and tendencies, i feel. It is all very personal and it is like our self-esteem is constant at stake. For myself i have seen that this is even the reason why i can start to do some good thing. Out of guilt and low self-esteem. I see this as humane but also as loaded, not pure, not really out of love and wisdom. I feel this is also Dhamma-perspective.
I feel, Dhamma is in the end about transcending this inner world of conceit and conceiving. That also means transcending issues with self-esteem.
It is like this whole world turns around conceit and conceiving, right? A world full of people involved in conceit and conceiving, valuing, judging themself and others. Never escaping this serious grip of conceit and conceiving . Not being in touch with stilling, the non-conceived, the desireless, signless, uninclined. Like we totally ignore this in our lives.
Following on Ven. @Snowbirdâs teaching⊠I find Ven. @Pasannaâs comment in another thread helpful:
Neither Ven. Snowbird nor Ven. Pasanna seems to discount the experience of feeling good about oneself (or not feeling good). @Dunlop builds on this, substituting âno regretsâ with, I have to think, feeling good about oneself. I take that to mean, more or less, a clear conscience.
Or, the absence of a negative mind-state such as regret, remorse, and low-self esteem. Perhaps thatâs how General SÄ«ha could be so bold and assured. (I donât know the passage; just seeing what @Erika_ODonnell posted.)
All that being said, I resonate with @Green (they have spoken similarly in another related thread):
From time to time I remind myself that we are born into this modern culture that, from Day One, conditions us to develop regard for oneâs abilities and appearance. For, without having developed this, we are set up to fail in our modern culture. âFailureâ here relates to lots of different material and social attainments.
I have to think this was not really the Buddhaâs culture. I mean, sure, there were material and social attainments but to the degree to which we are individually conditioned in modern culture today? Iâm thinking no.
As such, I feel we cannot wholesale toss out modern western psychology to manage in todayâs world (as lay people, letâs say). I think it evolved from Freud and so forth for a reason. I also donât think it works to try to âretrofitâ western psychology models onto Buddhist ethics and teachings.
So weâre left with maintaining some level of relationship with modern psychology. Thatâs how I think about it and I appreciate your inquiry.
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On verbal or logical level definitely there is evident contradiction, since notions of self âIâ âmineâ are core of suffering and have to be removed.
On existential level however we must recognise that to practice Dhamma property isnât easy and requires apart other things some amount of confidence. Also low self-esteem doesnât implicate that one has no problem with self.
So there is an interesting samsaric paradox, that in order to reach the goal of the cessation of personality (sakkaya) actually the starting point of practice requires rather strong personality not a weak one.
I believe we can see that there is the realm free of conceiving and conceit. And there is our involvement in conceiving, and our conceit. We live, as it were, in both words. Like not conceiving is our baseline existence. All is simple there, at ease. Simple, open and empty. No drama.
But something happens, something triggers the mind and we becomes very easily involved in conceiving and conceit. In the head. Drama. The head becomes our world. A cinematic mental world, like the brain projects a movie. Like life is a soap opera. Theater.
I believe that we know ourselves in both ways. We know ourselves when we are absorbed in conceiving, in a cinematic mental world. Like a mental movie taking place in which we, as some kind of mental entity, are the protagonist.
And we also know ourselves in a non conceived and not conceited way when there is no mental imagery, views, thoughts. No film.
It is not like this that only after endless purifying we will know ourselves free of conceiving and conceit. Not at all. It is always present. This knowledge.
Therapy, i feel, is more about the domain of conceiving. While Dhamma sees, in the end, conceiving as problematic because it comes with distortion. Things are not seen as they really are. Reality is not a movie. We are not protagonist in a cinematic world. That is a projection but not our nature. That is not how things really are. Also, any moment we can step out of this cinematic world and be aware, mindful and present again.
In that sense, the suttaâs also teach that any notion of âI am superior, I am inferior, I am equalâ and even the most basic notion âI amâ is all within the domain of conceiving and conceit and are all distorted forms of self-knowledge. I think this is a deeper level then therapy goes.
It is not about being versus doing. It is more about seeing how this mental cinematic world becomes or is our reality. But is it? Dhamma learns we can make it our reality but we do not have to. You will not change at all when you do not make it your reality. Only suffering gets lost.
I can see how mental suffering, agitation, affliction, is all about conceiving and conceit. A mind involved in conceiving and which is conceited, there is never an end to his/her problems. There is always drama. Issues. I do not see how this can be a Path to happiness, peace, non-agitation.
For me it feels that seeing the non-conceived, non-conceited makes all more simple because its nature is also simple. It is not able to change too. Conditioning, raising, trauma, time, has no influence upon it. It cannot be improoved or deteriorate.
Thereâs a sense of safety that comes from practicing generosity, virtue, metta (wholesome states in general) IMO.
E.g. if you practice the brahmaviharas, you feel safe. If you feel safe, you think, speak, and act from that position of safety.
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It seems to me that, most of all, the Buddhaâs teachings show that you matter.
Not only are right deeds and intentions necessary to achieve better rebirth, but they are of utmost importance to reduce the suffering of yourself and the beings alive right now.
The final goal of the teaching is said to be the end of greed, hatred and delusion. In order to get rid of delusion and get to right view, you need to see for yourself, think for yourself, judge for yourself and act for yourself.
I can not think of a bigger encouragement for self-esteem, because it shows that ultimately, you âareâ somebody, and you matter !
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