Balancing metta and uppeka

The Watercooler
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I am trying to understand how to find the right balance between 2 Buddhist vitues: altruistic love (metta) and equanimity (upekkha)

For example a mother who cares for her child might need to discipline them when they repeatedly make mistakes. If she remains always calm and detached the child might not learn. If the mother was always calm even when the child misbehave we might say she is selfish.

So how do we practice metta and upekkha in a way that allows us to care deeply but still maintain inner tranquility?

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I’m not sure I agree that we need to force a balance; instead, I think we need to carefully cultivate each quality, and they will feed each other as we understand them better and embody them more.

In my view, calmness doesn’t mean passivity. A parent can respond to a child’s misbehavior—correcting them, even raising their voice to instill a bit of fear—without being deeply upset.

Calmness can be present within agitation, much like mental seclusion can exist even in a loud, crowded place. More importantly, I think we should cultivate wisdom, because wisdom naturally leads to appropriate responses and balances everything out.

Equanimity or altruistic love can’t just be fabricated; they are developed over time. That’s how I understand it, however, and I might be entirely wrong :sweat_smile:

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It’s said that the “near enemy” of equanimity is indifference, meaning some people may think they are being equanimous when really they’re just being indifferent. If you were acting with indifference, you might just ignore a child’s misbehavior. If you were acting with equanimity, you would respond appropriately (with discipline if needed) but without negative emotions (i.e., anger, disappointment, fear). clouding your mind.

Being “detached” doesn’t mean being a zombie and letting the child walk all over you, and it’s certainly not selfish, in fact it’s quite the opposite. Being attached is selfish. Being detached means letting go of the craving for a specific outcome, which would cause you to suffer if you don’t get it. So for example, if your child is having a tantrum, and you get upset, it’s because you’re attaching to a desire - for them to be well-behaved, to have quiet time without being interrupted, etc. If you remain detached, responding to the situation without your own cravings getting in the way, coloring your responses with anger or sadness, your child will learn from your example of how to respond appropriately in difficult situations.

I think you can act with both equanimity and loving kindness at the same time. If you are practicing mindfulness throughout the day, you will see your mind forming a negative reaction and be able to drop it and not be swayed by the external situation (equanimity). You can then generate a feeling of compassion (i.e., you’ve been there before, you know how they feel; you know that they are only acting out of ignorance) and/or loving kindness (wishing for their safety and happiness) before responding. We can and should be constantly working to cultivate equanimity and loving kindness - the Buddha was very clear that part of Right Effort is generating wholesome states of mind, like the Brahmaviharas (loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity).

Then, once you are feeling equanimous and loving, you can decide how to proceed with responding or discipling them, keeping in mind also the virtue factors of the Eightfold Path:

  • Right Intention - Have the intention to act without ill will or harmfulness - you don’t want to hurt your child, your intention is to help them learn or to stop them from hurting themselves or others.

  • Right Speech - Only say what is true, beneficial, endearing, said with good will, and said at the right time. An exception is to the “endearing” aspect - obviously, hearing that they are being grounded or having a privilege revoked is not going to be endearing to a child, but the Buddha said it’s okay to say something not endearing as long as the other criteria are met.

  • Right Action - Do no harm. Don’t use physical violence or break any of the other precepts like lying as part of your discipline.

If you act virtuously, you will be able to maintain your inner tranquility and happiness. From AN 11.2:

“Mendicants, an ethical person, who has fulfilled ethical conduct, need not make a wish: ‘May I have no regrets!’ It’s only natural that an ethical person has no regrets.

When you have no regrets you need not make a wish: ‘May I feel joy!’ It’s only natural that joy springs up when you have no regrets.

When you feel joy you need not make a wish: ‘May I experience rapture!’ It’s only natural that rapture arises when you’re joyful.

When your mind is full of rapture you need not make a wish: ‘May my body become tranquil!’ It’s only natural that your body becomes tranquil when your mind is full of rapture.

When your body is tranquil you need not make a wish: ‘May I feel bliss!’ It’s only natural to feel bliss when your body is tranquil.

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I appreciate your response. I like the example of the tantrum and of how anger can mean you are attached to a selfish outcome.

What I am wondering is: can you have righteous anger and can it be used to fuel your good actions? In many cases I heard that people are driven by some kind of anger which they then channel to do good things. Would the EBT sanction that?

I remember even the Buddhist teacher Tich Naht Hahn said that he was a little angry with what happened to Martin Luther King and in that case it didn’t sound due to selfishness.

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If I may, I hope you don’t mind… There’s a sūtta in which the Buddha becomes somewhat annoyed with a new group of bhikkhus who are rather loud and noisy. He sends them away, wagging his finger at them. Others then come and try to persuade the Buddha not to dismiss them, and he, of course, invites everyone to sit down and uses the moment to teach them something valuable. I believe this falls under the category you were describing here.

In the Mahāparinibbāna Sutta, there’s also a passage where, as he’s lying down between the twin śāla trees, the Buddha has a faithful attendant fanning him and then abruptly shoos him away. This surprises Ānanda, who wonders why the Buddha would become annoyed with this devoted disciple who has been serving him for many years. Once again, the Buddha uses the situation to teach him a lesson. I don´t know if this may help somewhat with your questions. :laughing:

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No, there is no such thing as “good” or “righteous” anger in the Buddha’s teachings. Anger is always an unwholesome emotion caused by craving. In the example you gave, if he truly felt anger, it was still a negative emotion caused by craving (wanting MLK to not die = craving). Sometimes it can be hard to see the “selfish” nature of things, especially with a situation like that where it seems it’s out of a desire for justice/goodness. Good actions should be fueled by positive states of mind, such as generosity and compassion.

You might want to check out MN 21, in which the Buddha describes all the negative situations that might happen to a person, but no matter how bad it gets, they should never have even a finger snap of anger. Here’s an excerpt:

Even if low-down bandits were to sever you limb from limb with a two-handed saw, anyone who had a malevolent thought on that account would not be following my instructions. This is often depicted as one of the torments of hell. If that happens, you should train like this: ‘Our minds will not degenerate. We will blurt out no bad words. We will remain full of sympathy, with a heart of love and no secret hate. We will meditate spreading a heart of love to that individual. And with them as a basis, we will meditate spreading a heart full of love to everyone in the world—abundant, expansive, limitless, free of enmity and ill will.’ That’s how you should train.

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I think love is expressed in a sincere desire and vision for the happiness and well-being of another. If that love and concern is deep and selfless, equipoise in whatever is happening and the remembering of impermanence can be cultivated much more easily and naturally.

Dogs can be dhamma lessons. Dogs are pack animals and, in their minds, there must be an alpha dog, the one in leadership, for the safety of the pack. When the leadership is in question, there is anxiety.

Since my 5 year old schnauzer was two months old, I have been the one to make and enforce the rules, not her. It’s sounds harsh, but I do it with love, kindness, firmness, equipoise and, of paramount importance, not a trace of anger. It’s ultimately in her best interest (and mine) that I do this.

She used to bounce off of the walls, was into everything and needed to learn, so I was constantly correcting her, but I was careful to always do it with equipoise, love and endless patience.

Now that she’s settled down from puppyhood, she’s always at ease. She completely and totally trusts me and has no doubts that her needs are always met. She has no anxiety from needing to control anything and knows by my looks, my body language and hand gestures and by little sounds I make what I expect from her. If I face my palm towards her and say wait, she happily just waits until I’m ready. I point and she goes. We walk, I lead the way and if I stop, she just enjoys the present until we move on. She is nothing but sweetness. She has actually cultivated love, trust, patience, and equipoise herself!

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What if we were to think of the 4 brahmaviharas as 4 wholesome emotions?
It’s not that one is better than the other. One might be more appropriate than the other.

Given your question about disciplining the wild kid. Ajahn Brahm says that a mother’s love is the kind of love when the kids are climbing all over you and one poops in your lap! The mother still loves the kids even if she doesn’t like the behaviour.

If a kid is acting up, it’s generally because they don’t know how to regulate their emotions well. A person who has learned that skill and who is well practiced with the four wholesome emotions can help them bring the appropriate attention to their anger or sadness or distress.

When we are struggling with our own uncomfortable or difficult feelings then we are going to miss the mark with how we relate to others.

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Practice them along with the rest of the Noble Eightfold Path and you will learn for yourself. I don’t say that to be flippant or dismissive—you’re asking a good question. It’s just the answer is subtle and something to be personally experienced, like so many elements of the Buddha’s teachings. And the only way to begin personally experiencing them is to integrate the practice in your life: take refuge, take the precepts, establish a meditation practice (and cultivate metta and upekkha), practice generosity, learn and reflect on the teachings, see monastics, etc. Even then, understanding only develops gradually.

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According to MN62 18.1-21.2, mettā and upekkhā are antidotes to ill-will (byāpāda) and repulsion (paᚭigha) respectively. So I would understand that how much one should practice mettā and upekkhā depends on how much one still has ill-will and repulsion within oneself.

It is also noteworthy that in AN6.13 4.1-4.7, upekkhā is said to be the escape (nissaraṇa) from desire (rāga).

In his AN translation, B. Bodhi had a note on this :

“This text uses the word rāga, which in this context probably means personal bias rather than sensual desire. Interestingly, at MN I 424,33–34 [MN 62], upekkhā is opposed to paṭigha, aversion, the polar opposite of rāga. Given that upekkhā is a state of inner poise beyond both attraction and repulsion, it is not surprising to find it offered as the antidote to the two opposed qualities.”

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The practice of mettā and upekkhā is also similar to the practice of ‘right thought’ (sammā saṅkappa ), i.e. thought of detachment (nekkhamma saṅkappa ), thought of non-malice (abyāpāda saṅkappa ), and thought of non-harming (avihiṃsā saṅkappa ).

Cf.: All four immeasurables contain the word abyāpāda (abyāpajjha ), which also is part of sammā saṅkappa.
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