Hi @AbelAntonio
I hope this isn’t too presumptious but I have had a lot of personal experience with having suffered from extreme loneliness for much of my life. Our personal situations may be different but I believe at the core the resolution is the same.
Before Buddhism I spent a long time studying psychology, sociology, neurology, a lot of the -ologies trying to find out what was wrong and how to fix it. I spent a lot of energy attempting to socialize in ways that were counter to my values and nature, and shaming myself at every failure. This feedback loop of constant social rejection, or only being involved in what seemed to be one-sided toxic relationships left a large hole in my heart. Materially I have been blessed, but emotionally I was broken with no signs of escape.
The Stoic mindset helped cope through those hard times, but that’s all it ever was - coping. All the research, self help guides, exercise, career progression, and shallow relationships never made a meaningful impact on my emotional well-being. It wasn’t until I came across Buddhism and discovered the Hungry Ghost phenomenon and then spent over a year of intense practice of metta and the Tibetan metta adaptation called Tonglen that I began to heal.
The Buddha teaches us that our craving is the cause of our suffering and this is never more apparent than when we crave something so innate to the human experience but can not seem to fulfill it for whatever reason it may be. In today’s world this is a serious problem, it’s often referred to as the loneliness epidemic and for good reason.
The Buddha said that who we associate with is one of the most important contributors to our wellbeing. When deprived of meaningful relationships we spiral into darkness. But at the core of the problem is the idea that it’s our relationship with others that can save us when in actuality it is only our relationship with ourselves that can ever do so.
During my quest to heal and find meaningful relationships I found that the most important elements were doing daily gratitude prostrations, daily metta thinking of every person I’d ever met and wishing them well, as well as a lot of Tonglen to and from myself whenever the memories of the past would take over. In doing this I was able to establish a sense of connectedness to the world and found increasing moments of contentment and joy. I also started focusing on putting myself in places where I was more likely to meet individuals who shared my values of morality, simplicity, nature, and the newfound love of spirituality. I joined a local sangha as well as a few hiking groups, and did volunteering for hospice and prisoners. When doing so I put all my efforts into practicing the four frames of reference and just trying to be a pleasant and uplifting, but not performative, person to be around with no expectations. It has been a bumpy road but I’ve made the most meaningful connections of my life through this process and recommend this kind of practice and community egnagement to others who feel isolated and lonely.
Ultimately I had to learn to love myself unconditionally which I was able to do by focusing on my own person morality and diving into the Paramis and how to develop them further. I still do metta regularly and I spend a lot of my day contemplating the beauty of the Dharma. I’m now in a relationship with my best friend, but the hungry ghost still sneaks its ugly head up every now and then. In those moments I recall the Buddha’s advice on stilling the mind, or I recall an inspiring Dharma story that contains elements of the divine and let myself feel inspired by the wonder of the universe and how amazingly accurate the Buddha has been in his descriptions of the way things are at every level I’ve investigated.
I hope this helps, and if you’re interested my partner and I have a Dharma book club that we do as a email correspondence with a prisoner. You’re welcome to join us if you’re interested in that sort of thing, we are on the first book - The Four Noble Truths by Ajahn Sumedho. Feel free to message me with your email if you’d like to participate.
-Frank
