I used to think of myself as an exceptionally good person. Then I had to realize that I had a lot of defilements that were actually just unskillful actions in disguise . It’s easy to deceive ourselves into thinking that we are always doing good, especially if our actions are aligned with some cherry-picked teachings. There is nothing more pleasing to the ego than being a “nice person”. Here are some behaviors and ideas I’ve found to be not as pure as I wanted to believe. It’s also a list of things I find to be implicitly taught in western-Buddhism, but are not ultimately true or helpful.
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Being a martyr. You do other’s work and do more than what is healthy, because you are making good karma. Without you the whole place would fall apart, so it is your moral obligation to keep working. Look at me, how selfless I am, working overtime, not expecting anything. Sure, I get to control others with guilt, because I only ask them small things to return all my efforts, but they just seem to not care at all! Well maybe, I just don’t like myself that much, so I’m okay with working myself to the bone as a punishment, but hey, I am making good karma with my selfless service so it must be okay!
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Running away from happiness. I mean getting attached is wrong right? Getting attached to the pleasant feelings in meditation is also bad. I should keep up with my martyrdom, I mean generating good karma, instead of wasting my precious time enjoying myself. The benefit I will get afterlife will be even greater!
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Not stating your wants and needs but still expecting people to figure them out. I mean, saying you want things is selfish isn’t it? Others might want different things, and you would only upset them. If people are taking constant advantage on you, you should invite them to do so continuously - otherwise you are not good enough. How could you want things as a good Buddhist anyway? They are suffering and would become better people if you would instead showed them how a good person would act.
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Staying in horrible relationships, because Buddhists stay together. All boyfriends/girlfriends are the same anyway just with different dukkha. If your significant other is a horrible person, it is your responsibility as a good Buddhist to spend your life fixing them. After all, material lives aren’t that important, so you can surely sacrifice it to make someone else’s better. If you can’t fix them, you have failed to show them good Buddhist examples. See? They show small signs of change, I am pretty sure they are getting better, it’s just that I am not patient enough. Patience is also an important value.
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Sacrificing yourself for every being, because they aren’t as smart as you are. Poor deluded beings in Samsara don’t know how to take care of themselves, so I should be the one who saves them all. I am smart enough to do practice, unlike them. I hope they will be once on my level and be able to share all this wisdom that they are yet unable to comprehend.
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Being a white knight in shiny armor. You are saving women from all the horrible man out there. Listening to their problems because you are a really nice guy. But you are just might be too weak to show your real intentions and accept your own unholy desires.
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Not saying no to parents. No matter how narcistic or manipulative a parent is, one should always heed to their needs, as doing bad things to parents is extremely bad karma. One should not even discuss any dissatisfaction in their lives caused by their parents, as making them sad is also bad karma. Disagreeing with them or setting boundaries is also a bad karma if it makes them sad. Trying to break free is also bad karma, because they might want you to stay home longer and help them. Are you really that unthankful and evil to refuse help after all that martyrdom they have done for you? You should guide them to enlightenment and do things that allows them to be proud of you and show off to other parents.
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Not believing in science. I mean, we all know that there are 4 basic elements and how the universe comes to existence and then disappears. It’s physics that is trying to catch up with the Suttas. The professors are just too ignorant to ever check them. So whenever there is a scientific discovery, I can be sure that it’s either something I already know, or something that is still false because they still don’t have the whole picture. And also, there is this special holy diet that cures-…
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Being weak and afraid as morality. Look at all these wealthy, powerful people doing bad things. I don’t do the things they do. I don’t have the means to do them, so I can’t even do the things they do even if I wanted to. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do them if I had the means of course. But hey, I am a better person, I am free to criticize them. I did not ask out that girl, because I respect her privacy and all feminist values. It’s not that I was simply too scared to do so.
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Thinking wealth is the result good karma. I mean there are good doctors who are doing good things and become wealthy. Sure, there are some powerful mob leaders dealing drugs and trafficking people, but they must be good deep inside, if we took the time to understand them better. There are no bad people with bad intentions, who actually enjoy torturing others. People should also be allowed to exploit you in business, because they are deluded and suffering and this is the only way they can get any happiness in this miserable world. After all, not letting them exploit you would mean you are rather materialistic. Maybe they will let you get what you want once they feel they have had enough!
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Being a radical left-winger as a prerequisite of being Buddhist. All left-wing politics on equality is good and everything opposing it is always bad. Kings like Ashoka became kings as a result of their good karma (after committing a few genocides on the way to the throne, but they have converted to Buddhism afterwards so it’s okay). Trump however, did not become the president as a result of his good karma, but instead he alone has used a series of evil tricks! Monarchy with beloved kings (even if they get killed by their only children in the Suttas) is good, capitalism is evil! Sure capitalism is evil, but when the Dalai Lama says things like " Of all the modern economic theories, the economic system of Marxism is founded on moral principles, while capitalism is concerned only with gain and profitability" I always wonder why he escaped Chinese terror. Would he have stayed, he could have experienced the morality of socialism in its fullest.
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Thinking people were somehow better in the past, yet we are all so selfish today. Violence is down, and living a human life has never been so safe. I would argue that we are just as selfish as ever - it’s just that we have find ways to actually use our selfishness in ways that benefit others. Through creating and buying stuff in an interconnected world governed by laws. Disregarding all that, and thinking that people were somehow more saintly in the past, is just pure speculation and willful blindness towards human history (and all the continuous wars between nations).
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Constant existential guilt. Everyone should always be loved and held to be good enough. You should love yourself and feel you are good enough. Except you are not because you are still not enlightened. You still feel anger instead of limitless love, that’s not good enough. Others can hate you but you shouldn’t hate them. You still feel craving instead of disattachment, and would probably cry if you’ve lost someone or got diagnosed with a terminal illness. That’s not what a good Buddhist should do. But then again, guilt isn’t something a good Buddhist should feel either, so there you are, with your double-guilt.
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You are a wise stream-enterer. Again. Pretty sure I’ve got it this time. I’ve got a lot of the teachings this time! Apart from spiritual materialism, thinking you are a stream-enterer will also make you afraid to go against the teachings or point out contradictions, because it means you most likely aren’t.
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Feeling bad for horrible events that happened to you, because they might be the result of past karma. All children were worse back then when they didn’t have vaccines, so more died during infancy. Bonus points if you do not fix anything or help others, because karma will solve it out. I have suffered so much, surely something nice will come as a result of my selfless suffering. Like a prize or something, I do not know, but I really deserve it by now.
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Being angry about all these things is bad. Even going so far to open a topic is bad. I should have just let go all the anger these realizations have caused me. Or rather explain them away and repress them.
I hope these also help others to reflect on themselves, in case they are feeling similarly. If there are more skillful Buddhist ways to actually solve these issues, I would really like to hear them. I am pretty sure many practitioners suffer from these points also, and proper explanations and teachings would be beneficial to them as well.
…! Quite articulate, too.
