If you’re going to play with alternatives to “mind” (which I applaud by the way) might I suggest “motivation” as a fresher alternative than “intention.” I think it gets to the emotional core of what is meant better. “intentions” are too easily twisted by rationalization. “The road to hell” and all that… I think “motivation” has less baggage than “intention” these days (at least in the conversations I’ve had with people recently).
—> of all things [as @sabbamitta pointed out above]
—> If, with (in both verses)
corrupt intention —> corrupt intent
I think simply “He beat me, he took!” is better. It leans the reader forward a bit.
“never settled by hate” perhaps, to better parallel the previous verses (which say “cling to hate”) Also the punctuation is awkward. The period should probably be a comma?
My Pāli is quite beginner, but shouldn’t this be “how” instead of “why”?
If this was intended as a bait and switch, then congrats! But perhaps “alluring,” “appealing,” “attractive”, etc might give the sense more directly.
like the wind, a
“bereft of taming and of truth” is much preferable, both grammatically and metrically (making the line perfect iambic tetrameter!)
This verse is a bit awkward to my ear. Not sure… Perhaps something more like:
Whoever has removed their impurities,
steady in ethics,
with taming and with truth:
They are worthy of the ochre robe.
Minor point, but in one verse you used a dash to end this line and in the pair, a comma. Unless you’re trying to make a distinction, punctuation should be used consistently.
To me, definite articles (“the”) feel better here than indefinite articles (“an”), but I can’t really put my finger on why.
Metrically, I would prefer a two syllable translation for “socati” here: perhaps “lament” or “sorrow”? It would also help connect this verse to its pair a bit better (with “rejoice”).
Perhaps, simply: “seeing their own corruption” and “purity”
These last four verses feel too much like prose for my taste: perhaps they’re too verbose?