A member of my family is facing kidney failure and it is looking like they will allow themselves to pass on if conservative treatments fail. It does not sit well with me for them to make such a decision without attempting to show them that they should exhaust all measures. Though, I am unsure if this is right of me to do, even if my intent is for them to see that they have so much more to give to the world, thus they ought to try continuing this life.
All contributions are welcome; gratitude for reading.
I’m sorry that you are facing this difficulty. Seeing the fragility of life and those we hold dear can be hard.
From a Buddhist perspective, our job is to love those we hold dear; unconditionally. To meet them with kindness, curiosity and an open heart. In difficult times it can be easy for us, or our loved one (or both) to fall into fear or frustration.
However long your loved one is around I hope that you can meet each other with an open heart. That way, however much time you have left together you won’t be left with regrets when they have moved on.
Sorry to hear about this, Ember. It’s usually hard to judge wisely the difference between what we think is good, what is good for others, and how we can meet them where they are. I think that’s the situation here as well.
It reminds me of the second and third of the pure precepts in the Zen tradition: to do what is good and to do what is good for others. Sometimes, these are completely different things. What I judge to be the right thing to do might not match what actually benefits others, or what others think is good for themselves. That’s the challenge, I think… To listen compassionately, to set aside for a bit whatever we think we know, to embrace the unknown, and open ourselves up to the reality of others.
I hope you both manage to talk to each other and understand each other, because it seems to me there is sufficient love there. May both of you be well, free of suffering and at ease in your circumstances!
The devil is in the details, so it’s hard to make a call based on a few breadcrumbs you’ve laid out here.
It’s difficult to judge someone for refusing a treatment if you’ve never seen a person survive it before. Moreso if you’ve never seen a person go through the treatment and lose their lives anyway.
I’ve seen people radically change their stances on what should happen to them in a life threatening illness, after seeing the results of a hard treatment and what it costs, emotionally, physically, financially. Though, it happened in both directions.
There’s no easy or perhaps even “right” answers in cases like these. Best of luck to you and your’s.
It sounds like there is still time for them to change their mind. If conservative management fails and it comes down to a choice between dialysis with possibly many more years of life vs. certain imminent death, they may come to think differently. Give them loving support, space, and time.
I feel for you and your position. That’s never an easy place to be.
I did not understand why people wouldn’t try every option available to them to stay alive. Then I became a nurse aid for many years and worked in long term care and hospitals. Then I became chronically ill. All of this changed how I saw the utility of treatment.
What I learned is that the most extended life is not always the best life. There comes a point where the priority isn’t quality of life but quality of death. Sometimes more treatment allows for a better death but other times it can get in the way of it.
As one of my nursing teachers said “It is always about the person in the bed. Everything is about the person in the bed.” When faced with the possibility of one of my family members passing away, the advice I got from a Buddhist teacher was to keep them as comfortable as possible, reflect on their good qualities and merit with them, and to let them know they’re enough/loved as they are. It was effective advice and kept me steady in my decisions as the path took many unexpected turns.
I saw in my nursing days that people who were well supported were more likely to make the right choice for themselves, whichever way that went. They had the courage to consider all options with an even and clear mind. In my illness, I’ve found this to be true as well - the more loved I feel the more strength I have to consider which treatments I might be able to endure and which would get in the way of what matters to me.
The decision before you as someone not in the bed is how you’ll care for the person in the bed. As a nurse aid, I learned well you can’t control them but caring as well as you can does a lot. I’d pass the advice I got on to you if you’re open to it. There’s no telling how things will play out with your family member but doing what you can for their comfort, expressing gratitude for their good qualities and merits, and letting them know they’re loved as they are usually aren’t unskillful places to start in my experience.
Wishing you peace and courage in this difficult time.
I’ve kept this topic open on my browser for the last two days wondering whether I could squeeze in the time to write something, but reading marchcrow’s post just now after a long day’s work I’m glad I failed – I would never have been able to express myself so clearly and in such an eloquent and insightful way. It’s not only the words, though, but also the experience which resonates deeply with me, both in terms of having worked, many years ago, as nursing assistant and receiving most helpful relevant advice from good monks. Thank you!
