I would like to link to a previous discussion on the same topic : Friendship: the whole of the holy life?
But that discussion focused more on spiritual friendship and not on what’s a true friendship & it’s old, so I created a new one.
Recently while reading Sigalovada Sutta: DN31, I realized that whole 6 directional relationships were based on true friendship in contrast to fake friendship.
Fake friendship is defined as following:
- Taker : A person who takes more than they give, who does duty out of fear and associate others only for their benefit.
- Talker: A person who talks about how they helped you in the past, or will in the future. They are full of meaningless pleasantries and won’t help if you ask from them.
- Flatterer: A person who praises both good and bad actions, will praise you to your face but will speak ill of you behind your back.
- Spender: A person who accompanies you to gambling, intoxicants, roaming streets, festivals and basically entertainment.
True Friendship is defined as following:
- Helper: A person who guards you & your property when you’re negligent. They keep you safe in times of danger. When something is needed, they do help you more(it’s said twice) than you need.
- Same in Good or Bad times: They will tell you their secrets & will protect your secrets. They won’t abandon in times of trouble & will protect you even with their lives.
- Counselor: They teach you what you don’t know & support in doing good. They prevent you from doing bad. They explain path to heaven.
- Sympathetic: They don’t delight in your misfortune & delight in your good fortune. They keep others from criticizing you. They encourage praise of you.
What may be not immediately apparent is that these 4 true friendships are tied to Metta - Wishing good for others & helping them achieve it , Karuna & Mudita: Delighting in their joy & sympathizing with their troubles.
They are also tied to Integrity - keeping secrets & not criticizing you, praising your good qualities(according to this definition: AN 4:73 Sappurisa Sutta (“A Person of Integrity”)).
I think these qualities prove that True Friendship is essential to be a good person and even more so be a Buddhist(Follower of Buddha).
I also think it’s important to highlight that if you are not a true friend to another person, you are indeed acting as a fake friend. I will give you an example of employee & employer in this context.
If the employee doesn’t point out what’s bad for the company or employer and just praise them - that’s a Flatterer.
If the employee does only the duty & associate with employer to get money - they are a Taker(associating only for their benefit).
If the employee/employer doesn’t give back more than they take, they are also a Taker.
If the employer doesn’t help employee but only talk about helping them - They are a Talker.
I think this example help us to see that all relationships between people tend to fall into these categories. They may also be mixed such as helping in one way and not preventing bad qualities in another way.
This Fake Friendship - Taker also highlights how generosity is built in to this categories. Because opposite of Taker, Helper gives back more or twice the help needed. On the other hand, Taker takes more than they give.
I also think this applies to even Buying & Selling. In contrast to trying to create more profit or reduce costs, Buyer & Seller should focus on providing at least equal value to each other. This focus on providing more service than cost may inspire the other person to reciprocate(tips, buying more etc). In this way selling is focused on helping others and generosity and not on arousing more desires,hatred,delusions in the other party.