Grieving the Self I Once Built

The Watercooler
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I used to tie my sense of self-worth to finding a certain kind of meaning.

I also tied it to being someone excellent, useful, and admirable.

At times, I even tied it to gaining knowledge and wisdom.

But over time, I’ve come to see that none of these are stable.

They are all constructions—ultimately rooted in ignorance.

Life itself comes before any meaning, before any value judgment.

The existence of life does not require us to assign value to it.

What we call identity or self-worth doesn’t change the fundamental nature of being:

a living being that craves, fears, and suffers.

As an unawakened ordinary person, this understanding feels liberating.

And yet, at the same time, there is also a subtle sense of melancholy—

as if something important has been lost.

Like a part of me has dissolved.

It’s not an intense sadness,

but a quiet, delicate sense of something missing.

I just have to get this out and put it somewhere.

Perhaps this is a eulogy for the self I once was.

Bye, me.

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Hi Yoyo 1,

I sometimes feel like I’m the ball on a yoyo.

I can relate to what you’ve written here. Thank you for posting. I feel like I worked really hard in this existence to create something. Something for my parents to be proud of, something to conform to expectations (of which I no longer perceive as necessary)…mainly to be a ‘good girl’. To ‘do the right thing’. I strove to ‘do the right thing’ for my 54 years. I worked hard, and am now ‘reaping the rewards’ of that hard work…

Unfortunately, after moving along the path…it seems that all of the hard work was just piling on the ‘dukkha’ (I prefer to think of it as ‘stickiness’)…It’s been difficult to let all of the hard work and dedication go.

It’s a process that involves sadness and gladness, but I feel like the gladness, ease, peace and gentleness is worth it.

Peace and ease to you. :smiling_face: :folded_hands:

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Hi Stacie,

Thank you for sharing your experience too. This makes me feel warm.

As difficult as grieving can be, like you, I also feel that the lightness and peace are worth it.

May you be happy and at ease.

May I be happy and at ease as well.

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and therfore can give? be brave? enjoy?

is wisdom less valuable or desirable for being fleeting?

or is it still worth trying to be and act wisely?

I guess I am saying… cheer up? it’s only the end of the world as we know it :slight_smile:

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…and I feel fine. :blush:

ooohhh…how many more letters before it will post? Maybe it is enough.

:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Oh, and welcome to the forum!

Metta

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I guess…. yes!

A living being that can also brave and give. :smiley:

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Maybe it is, and if it’s so give it all you got :folded_hands:

A few years ago, I went through a similar process. I kept thinking, “Who could be a fair witness when I’m gone, and what would be said?” The answer that came to me was simple: no one knows the true “me” but myself. So, I decided to prepare my own eulogy.

For six months, I revisited my past—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I dug through the dirt, looking at everything exactly as it was, without judgment. It turned into a long, tedious tale. Realizing it was too wordy, I decided to cut the fluff and instead try to capture the “vibration” of my life. I wanted to translate my experiences into music—tones and rhythms that could resonate and reveal what had been going on “behind the scenes.”

Eventually, I landed on a playlist of seven songs that encompassed my life’s journey. I was deeply pleased; the music had an uplifting energy that made me feel happier with every listen.

To make sure this wasn’t just another wild idea, I asked my sister to listen to it. When she finished, she told me, “I’ve never felt closer to you. It was so moving I had to pause halfway through just to catch my breath and wipe away tears of joy.”

Mission accomplished. My ego finally calmed down. Since then, I have even changed my name. Now, years later, when memories of that “past life” surface, they are no longer accompanied by sadness or turmoil.

Here is a nice psalm I put in the middle :folded_hands:

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@awarewolf thanks for sharing your experience. This helps me to de-personalize the experience and let go easier.

Thank you & metta.

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This reminded me of MN8 Sallekhasutta, Self-effacement. There are 44 ways in which the self can manifest itself. It’s a good reminder for me that Buddhism can also be thought of as ‘wearing away at the self’ or going from the very coarse to the very refined. So refined, until one day, hopefully the ‘self’ is no more to be found :blush:

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That’s what’s ingenious with the teaching of the Buddha. He came up with a formula that left nothing to be grasped at and objectify without saying there is no self and kept on pointing to all experience is not self.

Brilliant :lotus:

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That’s a really interesting POV—seeing them as “44 ways the self manifests.” I had always thought of them more as moral guidelines or recommended actions from the Buddha, but this framing is quite useful.

After all, dissolving the sense of self is central to the teaching. So what’s praised likely aligns with that direction, while what’s discouraged tends to reinforce the sense of self. Good point.

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