How can we detach from all we consider loving and dear at the moment of death?

The Watercooler
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Hi people, I hope you’re doing fine.

Imagine this: you’re facing the possibility of dying right now, but then you think about your parents and all dear living beings you’re about to leave behind; that creates anxiety and fear inside you, which makes it difficult to embrace the realization of your death.

My question here is, how could you detach from all you consider loving and dear at the moment of death without fear and anxiety?

I hope I was clear enough with this topic. Looking forward to hear your answers.

Blessings!

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If you are only thinking about doing this at the moment of death, it’s too late.
Practice now, because you don’t know when you are going to die.

The five daily reflections AN5.57 can be a help in this. As can reflecting on the gratification, danger and escape.

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I think this is maybe phrased in a way that makes it sound like you are supposed to “forget about” your loved ones and so on in order to “concentrate” on your death somehow and maybe this is causing some confusion.

There is nothing wrong with filling your heart with loving-kindness directed towards those dear to you, even when your dying, that is a bright deed with bright results, one that if achieved for only a finger-snap is not without jhana.

the “clinging” you are supposed to detach from is the greed for those people, the wanting them “for you”, the anxiety is the anxiety about what you want to do for them (to keep them safe or to help them with your actions), obviously you will not be able to act to help them physically with your dead body, so you have to let go of these anxieties, but you do not have to do it by attempting to detach your mind from them (i.e ignore) them.

you can use loving-kindness towards them, wishing them well, wishing that they, and all beings, achieve happiness and contentment as a method of cleansing your own consciousness from the defiling attachments that masquerade as love but are actually greed for the comfort your family gives to you and anxiety (conceit) in your own actions and agency to “help” them. one cannot save another.

so, that;s my advice, Metta!

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Hi mate, I hope you’re doing fine. Thank you for your response, and yeah, you’re right: this could be phrased better.

It’s not that I want to forget about them and leave them alone. What I mean is that, in moments of danger out of your control, you get a sense that maybe this is going to be the last dance, so to say. But, when you think about your family, then you worry about them, you don’t want them to grief and suffer for you; you want them to be at ease. So, then you start to develop anxiety, but this is definitely the last breath you’re gonna get, and there’s no going back.

I don’t know if this simil makes things clear, but, in case it does, then that’s what I meant.

Blessings!

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Thank you venerable sir for sharing this wonderful sutta. Now I have something new to reflect today.

May you have a peaceful week.

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Though very natural, I’ve realised that to worry about the welfare of my family members is taking on way too much. I just cannot control things to that degree but what I can do is practice sila now in speech and action, deepen metta and help where I can. At the time of death I can reflect on all this goodness and let go, really let go.

(Just to let you know, Venerable Pasanna is they/them.)

Beautiful question you raised. :folded_hands:

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also AN 6.19 it’s normal and human to feel anxiety but that is the defilements - and so I’ve heard it said necessary to develop samadhi, so can see free of the hinderances that cloud the truth, which require whole life practice and I am not that great at it so like to listen to sangha

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I think that sometimes we overestimate how our family and loved ones are going to react to our death and how deep or long their grief will be.

When a loved one dies we may grieve for a period of time, and sometimes that grief is very deep, but it’s probably shorter and less intense than the one who is departing might expect (or indeed wish) it to be.

Snp 1.11:

And when it [the body] lies dead,
bloated and livid,
dumped in a charnel ground,
the relatives forget it.

When the grief has passed, we might remember the departed from time to time with great affection and happiness, but from what I’ve seen through life, those left behind usually continue to go on about their business without too much trouble, often surprising those around them with their ‘resilience’. On the other hand, maybe that’s to be expected.

SN 3.8

“Having explored every quarter with the mind,
one finds no-one dearer than oneself.
Likewise for others, each holds themselves dear;
so one who desires self-knowledge would harm no other.”

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One of the benefits of metta (AN 11.15) and ethics (AN 5.241) is ‘asammūḷho kālaṁ karoti’ which Bhante Sujato translates as ‘You don’t feel lost when you die.’, Ven. Thanissaro has ‘One dies unconfused’.

So I would think of it more in terms of, if you have lived well, even if you have many attachments, you’ll be able to make peace with losing the people and things you were attached to when you die, perhaps because you feel good about the life you lived. Death can also be an opportunity for insight (MN 41).

It might be more practical to focus on the relationship we have to emotions such as fear and anxiety. It’s possible to tolerate fear and anxiety, and make friends with them even.

Being really scared doesn’t feel good, but there is a lot of room to become good at enduring negative emotions, like having self-compassion, having patience, etc. (not just gritting teeth and taking it, though that might be needed sometimes too).

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I would echo Venerable Pasanna’s advice.

I’d also add the first part of AN 6.16, with the relevant passage bolded.

At one time the Buddha was staying in the land of the Bhaggas at Crocodile’s Bellow, in the deer park at Bhesakaḷā’s Wood. Now at that time the householder Nakula’s father was sick, suffering, gravely ill. Then the housewife Nakula’s mother said to him:

“Householder, don’t pass away with concerns. Such concern is suffering, and it’s criticized by the Buddha. Householder, you might think: ‘When I’ve gone, the housewife Nakula’s mother won’t be able to provide for the children and keep up the household carpets.’ But you should not see it like this. I’m skilled at spinning cotton and carding wool. I’m able to provide for the children and keep up the household carpets. So householder, don’t pass away with concerns …

What is translated as “with concerns” by Venerable Sujato is this in DPD:

image

Venerable Thanissaro has “being worried”. Venerable Bodhi has “full of concern” and his note says:

image

So if you have anxiety and fear for loved ones when nearing death, one possible practice would be to reflect that doing so is not following the Buddha’s instructions. And based on your faith in the Buddha, arouse a sense of urgency to let go of them.

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We know from the early teachings that these attachments are what cultivate dukkha; and so in this sense, we know to try to work toward minimizing or mitigating these kinds of attachments.

On a different level, we might also consider some of the science that’s emerging from consciousness studies and the body of evidence that’s been developed from people who have experienced what are called near death experiences. And understanding of what this science of consciousness is teaching us is that we can begin to let go of the fear and anxiety surrounding the death of the human body, and to embrace the idea that what the Buddha taught is largely consistent with what is emerging in the science of consciousness studies.

Both ourselves and our family members and friends can develop an understanding that death is just part of a journey and for the person that dies and leaves behind the human carcass, that there is then a reintegration with the larger body of consciousness. This is a good thing. This is a positive thing and for people who have experienced these near death experiences, most all of them relate that it is a supremely happy and positive transition.

In addition, many people that have experienced near death experiences, or other altered states of consciousness that they believe has connected them with a consciousness on a supra human plane no longer fear death. Sharing this insight with family and friends can allow for both the person passing as well as those left behind in this human existence to celebrate the journey that the person who is passing is about to take. It should be a celebration and a recognition of what is both ancient as well as new in modern science… We should no longer fear death, and we should recognize that we are always connected.

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Found a sutta that addresses OP’s scenario very closely: SN 55.3.

At one time the Buddha was staying near Rājagaha, in the Bamboo Grove, the squirrels’ feeding ground.

Now at that time the lay follower Dīghāvu was sick, suffering, gravely ill. Then he addressed his father, the householder Jotika, “Please, householder, go to the Buddha, and in my name bow with your head to his feet. Say to him: ‘Sir, the lay follower Dīghāvu is sick, suffering, gravely ill. He bows with his head to your feet.’ And then say: ‘Sir, please visit him at his home out of sympathy.’”

“Yes, dear,” replied Jotika. He did as Dīghāvu asked. The Buddha consented with silence.

Then the Buddha robed up in the morning and, taking his bowl and robe, went to the home of the lay follower Dīghāvu, sat down on the seat spread out, and said to him, “I hope you’re keeping well, Dīghāvu; I hope you’re all right. I hope that your pain is fading, not growing, that its fading is evident, not its growing.”

“Sir, I’m not keeping well, I’m not getting by. The pain is terrible and growing, not fading; its growing is evident, not its fading.”

“So, Dīghāvu, you should train like this: ‘I will have experiential confidence in the Buddha … the teaching … the Saṅgha … And I will have the ethical conduct loved by the noble ones … leading to immersion.’ That’s how you should train.”

“Sir, these four factors of stream-entry that were taught by the Buddha are found in me, and I exhibit them. For I have experiential confidence in the Buddha … the teaching … the Saṅgha … And I have the ethical conduct loved by the noble ones … leading to immersion.”

“In that case, Dīghāvu, grounded on these four factors of stream-entry you should further develop these six things that play a part in realization. You should meditate observing the impermanence of all conditions, perceiving suffering in impermanence, perceiving not-self in suffering, perceiving giving up, perceiving fading away, and perceiving cessation. That’s how you should train.”

“These six things that play a part in realization that were taught by the Buddha are found in me, and I exhibit them. For I meditate observing the impermanence of all conditions, perceiving suffering in impermanence, perceiving not-self in suffering, perceiving giving up, perceiving fading away, and perceiving cessation.

But still, sir, I think, ‘I hope Jotika doesn’t suffer distress when I’ve gone.’” Jotika said, “Dear Dīghāvu, don’t focus on that. Come on, dear Dīghāvu, you should closely focus on what the Buddha is saying.”

When the Buddha had given this advice he got up from his seat and left. Not long after the Buddha left, Dīghāvu passed away. Then several mendicants went up to the Buddha, bowed, sat down to one side, and said to him:

“Sir, the lay follower named Dīghāvu, who was advised in brief by the Buddha, has passed away. Where has he been reborn in his next life?”

“Mendicants, the lay follower Dīghāvu was astute. He practiced in line with the teaching, and did not trouble me about the teachings. With the ending of the five lower fetters, he’s been reborn spontaneously, and will become extinguished there, not liable to return from that world.”

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