How can we detach from desire towards a person who's not looking at you?

The Watercooler
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Ok, let’s say you like somebody, but that somebody doesn’t like you as much as you do; and after that unpleasant realization, there’s disappointment and sadness. The Buddha once said that “for desire is the root of suffering” (SN:42.11), but what he advised us to do when there’s disappointment after such a situation? What piece of advice can we take into heart and apply as much as possible to detach from that person who doesn’t feel the same for you?

I hope to hear from you. Thanks in advance

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All relationships are suffering. If someone doesn’t like you, then you are getting to the suffering part quickly :stuck_out_tongue: If you fall in love and stay together for 50 years and then the other person dies, then that a whole lot more suffering!

All that is mine, dear and pleasing, will become otherwise, will become separated from me.

Sadness will come and sadness will go. It just feels like it’s permanent, but that’s a pretty non-buddhist view.

The Buddha says (in AN2s?) to see the beautiful in the unbeautiful and the unbeautiful in the beautiful. This is one way to remove desire for something. That chocolate cake looks attractive now, but if you eat it then in 12 hours it’s going to be roughly the same colour but far less attractive.

You can play with perceptions. Take care of yourself and don’t push it too far. Use your wisdom to see the bigger picture.

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Is it not easier to let go of people who doesn’t fancy us compared to those who do?

The various asubha practises maybe useful. Don’t be afraid of using them.

Remove lust via asubha, then remove attachment via seeing suffering.

See whatever reminds you of that person, then see that it’s memory that you add on to the bare sense input. Just come back to the present moment, and not get lost in memory or emotions. Then there’s decoupling of the sense input to memories, then a place is a place again.

Even looking at the other person itself can be used when you trained up strong enough for this. The other person is not the same as the fantasy of that other person. Decouple the fantasy from the person. Then they become just a human being.

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Good day, thanks for taking the time to answer this topic. There’s just one question I have: may you explain in more detail what an asubha practice means, please? It’s the first time I heard about it.

Thanks in advance for the clarification.

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  1. See corpse, decaying corpse. See how beauty fades. This body, the body of that person, will also be like the corpse. Can lust still arise seeing this? Can use AI to help generate this if it’s not easy to find decaying corpse videos online.
  2. 32 parts of the body https://32parts.com/ Meditate according to the audio provided there. You have these parts, she also has these parts. Eww.
  3. Imagine she speed aging to be old. There should be some filters or AI way to put in her picture, and see the beauty fades as time lapse goes fast, see how attractive she is at 90, 100 years old.

Bonus, autopsy video, surgery videos are ok too. eg, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pW-jh_1pR3A These are easier to find compared to decaying human corpse videos.

Don’t overdo it until hate comes out. Aim for equanimity and removal of lust. Practise often, even without lust arising, so that the possibility of lust arising becomes very low.

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