Greetings friend @awarewolf !
Your post really touched me… these last 2 days I’ve been feeling something similar. In fact, I was considering starting a topic in the lounge along the lines of how hard it is to balance samvega, effort and desire for spiritual progress… … That insidious ‘self’, master of disguise, hiding in all kinds of unexpected places, and even occasionally - merciless spiritual task master. …
If only it were so simple
I want the solution! Stamping foot - now please!! …
Reading your post, these words stuck out
This reminded me, that back when I was young and fit, and hiking in the mountains, often a peak would seem so very far away… walk walk, trudge trudge, groan groan… coming out above the tree line - that peak still so far in the distance… groan… walk walk, trudge trudge, and then some time later, there it is, looming up ahead. Still a little way off, but in the home stretch and unless something really goes wrong, just keeping on the walking and trudging a little bit longer should surmount that peak. (Like the treee inclining and leaning, will eventually fall in that direction) It is the delusion when it disappears from view every now and then, that plays such havoc…
Standing back and surveying the journey thus far is a great thing to do. Even though in progress, the view back down to the start is quite amazing, and it pulls the perspective back in a wholesome direction…
Maybe we should do a deal… take some time out to admire the view from this mountainside, and to have a picnic
Its not that bad you know… each of those thousands upon thousands of steps have been worth it, even if it is just to get to ‘here’… better than sitting down in the swamp
I don’t know if this reply is of any benefit to you, but it has certainly cheered me up!! So thank you for voicing what I’ve been feeling