Iâm glad I can help, and my little essay was really meant for people like you. So that you know youâre not alone!
My first thought would be that having such questions and doubts doesnât make you a heretic, it makes you human, and a sincere and dedicated one at that. Itâs always easier to just comply.
Now, highlighting difference should not obscure the fact of similarity. And there are countless things offered in modern Theravada that people find supportive and inspiring, yet are not in the suttas: lay retreats, group meditation; heck, even monks using the internet!
The red flag in your question is âdemand complianceâ. This is not a good sign! Sure, if youâre in a monastery or other context, then itâs reasonable to expect compliance in terms of behavioral norms, group harmony and so on. But when it comes to a reasonable diversity of beliefs, people should understand that this is normal and healthy.
What I would suggest is this. When staying in a monastery or community, given that you have chosen to be there, give yourself to it. Follow their practices and teachings as best you can, so long as you are there. Thatâs the way to learn. If you are forever doubting what you are doing while doing it, youâll never really know. If you have questions or doubts that canât be answered in that situation, donât reject them, but set them aside for the time being.
Then, make sure there is a limit on this. Maybe itâs a retreat period, or the duration of a stay. When the time is up, leave, get some distance, and reflect. Donât let yourself be consumed by either devotional commitment or by grievance and regret. Look back at the time and ask what you have learned. Ask whether this is the path for you. Ask what you want to do next time. Give yourself time to let these questions percolate and resonate. If you want to try something else, give it a go and see what happens. After all, thatâs what the Bodhisatta did!
Needless to say, this only applies in an environment that is generally wholesome. If your experience is one of bullying and abuse, if you feel belittled, denigrated, or discriminated, then understand that this is not normal or good, and get out.