If you are openly insulted or disrespected, what would you do to not cause suffering for yourself and others?

The Watercooler
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Good day guys, I hope you’re doing fine! I’d like to talk about a sensitive feeling I just experienced today.

That bitter sensation of displeasure and angry became prominent at the first moment they insulted me, in this case, a group of colleges, and that hurts a lot (I don’t know why, but tears don’t come out even tough I feel like crying). Angry arouse, but, I still decided not to react, regardless of how painful that comment felt. Why, because that would only create an obstacle not only for my self, but for they too.

But, I still didn’t find that funny at all (they insulting me), so, what’s the best thing I can do to respect others and myself included, without reacting too much, nor allowing them to keep treating me like a toy? I know I can’t focus only on myself, but outside theory, I want the welfare of myself and others, and even though I find the suttas inspiring and motivating, the obstacles of real life make it difficult to apply what was learned without falling in the same trap of “They insulted me”, “they treated me like garbage, so now I’m gonna insult and treat them like garbage too”.

That would be it for now.

May you be happy.

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I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s not nice! And I admire the fact that you didn’t react but contemplating in the spirit of not doing harm for yourself and others.

Recently, a Buddhist laywoman at a retreat I attended decided she would “teach me” about her values. She told me that I should be more open and confident. I kept quiet to listen to her. Somehow, the conversation ended up with her asking me directly, “Why are you so stupid?”

I didn’t react as I already knew what I was dealing with. However, her sentence has stayed in my heart for a while. It’s hurt.

I have also been bullied for 7 years by my neighbours. It was very painful when it happened. I learned to live with it and I asked the police and the law to get involve. Eventually, they leave me alone. It’s 7 years of my life though.

But now looking back, most bullies are actually intimidated by what we have and they don’t. I think they want to poke at someone who appears to be “different” from their usual expectation. In a way, they want to “check you out”. If you react, they will continue to escalate.

I find one way to deal with a situation like this is to actually observe their behaviour and understand what it is that they want to find out about you and kindly explain it to them. Or simply ask “Why did you say that?” or “What do you mean by that?” if you can be calm and collected. Most bullies are shocked and they don’t have the answer for you. You might want to explain to them why they are wrong. Depending on their wisdom faculty, a good person will reflect on what you say and offer an apology.

The best way is to bring out the inherent dignity inside of yourself and inside them too. It’s because no one has treated them with respect before, that is why they behave that way. You can step up and be that person. No one should be treated as garbage. All life is holy!

Sometimes, I think they don’t know how to relate to you in a skilful way. So they create a negative bond with you. Or you have something that they don’t have.

Going through bullying is very difficult but it taught me to face my own inner unwholesomeness (anger and resentment). And it taught me to be resilient and actively choose kindness again and again. That’s the beauty of the Path!

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Thanks for your words, I really needed to hear somebody else talking about this. I’ll keep treating them with kindness and no hatred, no matter what obstacles arise.

With metta, Javier :folded_hands:

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Hi,

I’m sorry you were treated disrespectfully and with insults.

In terms of the teachings, there is Dhp1-20:
“They abused me, they hit me! They beat me, they robbed me!” For those who bear such a grudge, hatred is never laid to rest.
“They abused me, they hit me! They beat me, they robbed me!” For those who bear no such grudge, hatred is laid to rest.
For never is hatred laid to rest by hate, it’s laid to rest by love: this is an ancient teaching."

Then we ask, how to practice and actualize this?
We can practice Metta, compassion, and equanimity during sitting meditations and during the day. Gradually, the mind becomes infused with these beneficial qualities and becomes less prone to ill will and anger. We see this for ourselves. :blush:

In other words, we can turn poison into medicine by choosing to cultivate and practice beautiful qualities like kindness, compassion, and wisdom rather than choosing to entangle our mind in more resentment, ill will, and other hindrances.
This benefits both ourselves and others. Can we keep at it with curiosity, patience, and experience the benefits in our own mind?

We can also decide to just walk away and ignore those who are insulting us; or sometimes to ask why they’re speaking to us in ways that are hurtful; or to ask if they’re ok.
It depends on the context and people involved, but these are also practical ways to work with these situations.

In the end, we get to choose our intentions and how we react. Not others. They have no power to do this for us. We choose.
Do we choose to practice wisdom, peace, and balance? Or not?
Which do you prefer to cultivate? Which inspires you? If it’s peace and wisdom, have fun practicing and embodying the wholesome and beautiful!

As Sumana wrote, “That’s the beauty of the Path!”

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Hi, thanks for your comment! I’d like to add that I did that, yeah: to ignore them and not responding. But, it was in the silence, when I contemplated those feelings (anger, surprise, sadness) that I dropped some tears and wonder what to do now (I forgot to mention that I work with these people, and I can’t simply keep ignoring that forever).

Yeah, this is my path! Not hate and resenment! But I have to be more open here: sometimes, when I remember that there’s people who indulge in that kind of hindrances that makes me feel sad, and a lot. Nevertheless, the Buddha said it clearly: “right effort”. I’ll keep moving forward, regardless of that.

Thanks again for your words, it’s so good to see that there’s people with a loving heart in this world, willing to teach those who are lost in the path.

With metta, Javier :folded_hands:

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Oh Javier, I wouldn’t say you’re lost in the path, if that’s what you meant, when you’re clearly interested and committed to asking about the teachings and practicing the good!

It’s not always easy and shedding tears and experiencing the emotions you described are part of life and the process of practicing towards awakening.

Thank you for sharing and for your commitment to the Dhamma.
:folded_hands:

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Mettā is everything in this case… shower your tormentors with kindness.

Keep in mind that if they had more kind people in their lives, they wouldn’t feel the need to make insults. Most people treat others the way their family members treat them. What they face at home is probably much worse, and more frequent, than the disrespect you are getting.

If you like, you can chant this Pāli formula any time you need to muster extra compassion:

Sabbe sattā sabba-dukkhā pamuccantu

(“May all beings be free from all suffering.”)

In my experience, reciting the phrase mentally each time you think of the situation, perhaps even at the moment an insult occurs, is absolutely transformative.

Best wishes! :sparkles:

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AN5.162 Dutiya Āghātapaṭivinaya is a great on for this kind of thing.

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I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m glad to hear you showed restraint and didn’t react with anger.

My approach is to acknowledge that if someone is seriously intent on being harmful and mean to me, they must be experiencing strong emotions. The least I can do is wish them well and hope they find peace and ease.

Honestly, I don’t consider what anyone says as harmful or offensive. Words are just words, and I can choose how to react to them. I pay attention to the situation to see how I might have contributed to creating it and if there’s anything I can do to de-escalate it. Sometimes, people just need to release their negative emotions, and I’m okay with that. They are the ones truly suffering.

I believe cultivating metta and compassion is essential. One doesn’t fight anger or hatred with more anger and hatred, but with a heart full of love. Another important aspect is to stop placing oneself at the center of everything. It becomes much easier to assess and manage situations when we don’t make everything about ourselves. In this situation, if I’m not interested in being offended but in understanding what’s happening with the other person, I can surely handle the situation more easily.

Hope this is somewhat useful!

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Hi, these are the type of things we all have to face, I don’t think anyone can go through life without someone throwing abuse in our direction, I m a hot headed person so I’ve been guilty of being very unkind to others but mostly I’ve been one receiving unkind words for various reasons, what I’ve learned is that any defilement that enters my mind whether anger sadness fear or any of the cravings, actually it’s all craving eg cravings to not be unhappy because someone said something bad to us.. the emotion I felt is always accompanied with feeling a sensation on the body with my mind, and if you are the type of person who can deal with confrontation then obviously it’s good to say something at that very moment which you will notice will cause a very strong sensation on the body, staying aware of that sensation or the breath as it passes over the lip or into the nostrils will stop you from reacting to the sensations you are feeling…When a object touches the sense door of any of the 6 senses it causes a sensation and because of our past conditioning (kamma) we give it a evaluation good or bad, reacting to the evaluation mentality verbally or physically causes more sensations it’s a vicious circle which is very hard to get out of, personally I don’t like confrontation so I prefer to let the people or person know later how I felt, delaying explaining gives me more time to reflect and be more objective, but I always still feel very strong sensations throughout my body if I bring up something difficult like this, if a Arahut was in this same situation they would not have any sensations because the I can’t get injured because there is no I and anybody who has started to experience Annata would be better at not reacting to most insults and someone who has experienced the different stages of Nibanna would be in a better position as they habits would not attract negativity from others because there intentions would always be more pure, but to understand how this actually works we need to develop the faculties of having awareness of Vedana as a sense even if you react and even react strongly there is a awareness of how the body influences the mind, and sooner or later we end up giving more importance to observing the body and mind interacting instead of reacting first with the mind then verbally or physically, but it’s difficult to learn how to understand the relationship unless what is being taught starts with samma samadhi

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I think I understand what you’re meaning here. Sometimes when you don’t react it feels like you’re keeping things bottled up and that feels like you’re hurting yourself.

Recently I’ve been focusing on ‘letting go’ or ‘letting be’. I’ve been trying to practice the way Ajahn Brahm says about letting go of the past with kindness. It’s more difficult in the moment, easier in meditation.

But, it seems like you have many friends here to help you along the way. We are all wishing you peace and ease. Thank you for sharing this. We are all humans with human feelings. It helps us feel connected when we can hear stories and help each other.

I like this sutta to combat the types of feelings that arise from encounters such as this one.

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I am so very sorry that this happened to you and you have my respect for handling this matter in a way that would not cause suffering to anyone. Still I would suggest to stay alert because sometimes open verbal insult can also end up in physical assault.
I have the impression that a person who has the need to insult others, feels inadequate to face whatever it might be. So in order to feel better this person insult others who “are better”. However, sometimes words are not sufficient to express this feeling so the person then become physical (e.g. throwing plates to the floor or even hitting the other person). Therefore it is important to stay alert while maintaining equanimity, and certainly know when to walk away.

I sincerely hope for you that the situation has improved in the meantime…may you be happy, be well, be at ease

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My deep sympathy :revolving_hearts:

Your story reminds me of a talk Ajahn Brahm gave to monks at Bodhinyana 10+ years ago. It’s been repeated several times, including in the book Journey to the Heart of the Lotus - Ajahn Brahm

Another lotus simile is very useful for the times when we’re affected by other people’s attitudes towards us. When people criticise or even praise us, we can imagine or visualise being like a lotus. When water falls on a lotus petal, the water always drips off and leaves no residue. If somebody urinates on a lotus, it doesn’t keep any of it—it all drips off, and the lotus still smells beautiful. Likewise, if people pour perfume over a lotus, the perfume drips off, leaving no residue. In the end, the lotus always smells like a lotus.

Not easy to do, but some days we’ll be there.

May the Force (of the dhamma) be with you

:vulcan_salute:

:mushroom:

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Agreed, along with AN 5.161, AN 10.80, and MN 28.

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Often times when I read the works of Tibetan monks, I sometimes wished to get insulted just to be able to practise what they advocated for: gratitude for the other as they are helping you to lessen your own bad kamma (by having it ripen), and compassion for them for they are taking on new bad kamma while doing that.

Another thing is to just use my autism shield. “I didn’t knew it was an insult. Thank you for talking to me.”

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Only a few people have been truly mean and disrespectful towards me in my life. Each one I learned so much from once I allowed their grievance in to look at in an objective way. They all showed me some painful truth about my ego attachments, confirmed the Buddha’s teachings and gave me a chance to put my dhamma training to good use.

If nothing else works I think, what if our positions were reversed? How would I want them to treat me right now?

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Wanted to highlight this! As the Buddha said:

For ne’er is settled here
Hostility with hate
But love alone makes mends
This is an ancient law.

  • Dhp 5

Sometimes people just need to be looked in the eye with deep humanity and compassion to realize that they were forcing out the perception that their fellow is a human just like them. If people become callous and insensitive, it’s often nourished by the dryness in their own emotional lives. So connecting with them on a person-to-person level is a big help. It skirts around the flimsy social protections, like not being frank and honest with your feelings.

When I was a lay person, two times people threatened to mug me. Both times, I was able to stop the situation by relating to the people as fellow humans who had been neglected and dehumanized by others.

Also, the Buddha encouraged practicing regular reflections like “I am not exempt from death.” I think it’s good to add to this reflections on the “eight worldly winds,” or the mundane phenomena: praise and blame, fame and shame, loss and gain, pleasure and pain. The Buddha was clear that nobody escapes criticism, no matter who you are or how much you talk. So if we prepare ourselves in advance by coming to terms with these as simply winds that blow around in the world, we will give ourselves the gift us being less taken by surprise in the future when inevitably we meet with unfavorable conditions.

“All that is mine, dear and beloved, will change and vanish.”

“I am subject to criticism; I am not exempt from criticism.”

“I am subject to a bad reputation; I am not exempt from that.”

And so on. We don’t have to see these as a problem: they’re just natural events that will blow through our lives from time to time. But because we have the habit of shrinking away from them at first touch, it takes time for us to accustom ourselves to these as other realities to let pass on.

Best to you, and sending you thoughts of kindness! :orange_heart:

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It’s unpleasant when this happens and at the same time this is a powerful life lesson where the Dhamma can change you from the inside.

I have someone close to me who is very critical. I know with certainty that this person has a view of themselves that they are less than everyone else and that they have a lifelong coping habit of doing everything they can to put others down to make themselves feel worthy. I have experienced great dukkha from getting pulled into this person’s vortex.

SN7.2 was the catalyst for me to realize that we don’t have to choose to take the bait and get hooked in. Then we can come to understand that it is our own sense of self that takes the bait. Then an entire world of insight from understanding the grasping aggregates allows wisdom to be cultivated so that we can choose to not get hooked.

"The brahmin Bhāradvāja the Rude heard a rumor that a brahmin of the Bhāradvāja clan had gone forth from the lay life to homelessness in the presence of the ascetic Gotama. Angry and displeased he went to the Buddha and abused and insulted him with rude, harsh words. When he had spoken, the Buddha said to him:
“What do you think, brahmin? Do friends and colleagues, relatives and kin, and guests still come to visit you?”
“Sometimes they do, worthy Gotama.”
“Do you then serve them with fresh and cooked foods and savories?”
“Sometimes I do.”
“But if they don’t accept it, brahmin, who does it belong to?”
“In that case it still belongs to me.”
“In the same way, brahmin, when you abuse, harass, and attack us who do not abuse, harass, and attack, we don’t accept it. It still belongs to you, brahmin, it still belongs to you!
Someone who, when abused, harassed, and attacked, abuses, harasses, and attacks in return is said to eat the food and have a reaction to it. But we neither eat your food nor do we have a reaction to it. It still belongs to you, brahmin, it still belongs to you!”

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These last days there were a lot of insults not directed to myself, but to other people (often from close ones, like friends and classmates). It’s in those moments when I have plenty of opportunities to practice right speech and sense restraint so as not to be part of that void. Not an easy thing, but is better than staying at home and not exploring the whole world. Something like it…

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I remember that I heard this story once in a Youtube video, and I couldn’t remember from which sutta did it come from. Now I know it; it’s so good to hear it once more! Thank you.

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