Now I think that maybe this video from HH moved me so much because my practice has been stagnant for many years. I have been practicing Buddhism for 30 years, for as long as I can remember, I have been going on retreats at least 2-3 times a year, I meditate regularly, I help at a meditation center which I also attend regularly, I follow the 5 precepts
But I haven’t seen any significant progress in my practice for many, many years. My level of suffering is perhaps a little lower than that of my colleagues at work. Therapy has helped me the most, because it taught me how to deal with thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. At one point, I even started to think badly of Buddhism, that it was all empty promises, like most religions.
Now, after watching a few HH videos, I think I understand that the problem lies elsewhere. Because I don’t really practice renunciation, I am very involved in politics and current affairs. I have many aversions in my mind that I do nothing about. Until recently, I did not contemplate death or illness.
It dawned on me that if we don’t confront the mind with what reality is, we won’t be able to move forward in practice.
What do I mean by that?
At a retreat a few years ago, there was practically nothing to do. Two meditations a day, and the rest of the day we could do whatever we wanted. The weather was very bad, so going for walks was not an option. In such conditions, I thought I would go crazy out of boredom. Then it began to dawn on me that my whole life was a bit like managing my mind so that it would not suffer or get bored (I have moderate ADHD). But is that the whole Buddhist practice? I suspect not.
Now I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly approaching 50, the years are passing, and before I know it, it will be increasingly difficult for me to do any practice, as I can see from the older people at the center.
I now have a serious dilemma about what to do with all this.