I wrote this some time ago and want to share this here. Maybe my story will benefit somebody.
Some five years ago, I found the instructions for Metta Meditation in the tradition of Ajahn Mahachatchai online and I have been meditating in this way for some time, first occasionally, later more. I never had any formal training in this type of meditation before, but the technique has helped me a lot to deal with some issues that I had suppressed with Vipassana meditation techniques. Like many westerners I had to deal with feelings of insecurity and unworthiness; I had a very low self-esteem. Especially the first stage of Metta meditation helped me so much to overcome that and I feel much more self-confident overall.
But recently I’ve gone through an experience I find hard to describe. I had not been feeling very well and rather depressed, but unable to find any reasons why. I felt ashamed of myself, a sense of self-loathing. I felt I was the worst person in the world. But when I meditated, I could still go into the first stage (Metta for myself) fairly easily, as well as for the loved and neutral person. The “disliked person” I’ve always found a little hard because I don’t really dislike anybody, but sometimes there were people that pressed my buttons so I focussed on those and it usually went very well. After meditation I usually felt renewed and happy, at least for a while. I could not figure it out. How could I feel so down on myself and still easily do Metta for myself?
The image of one specific person kept popping up in my mind, although I have not seen him for more than 10 years and I have no specific feelings towards him one way or the other. Whenever I would think of him I would feel rather neutral, despite the difficult times in the past. But I had forgiven him and moved on. I had even gone back to see him and forgive him and after that we had parted and never seen each other again and I had never given it another thought. Until now.
So I decided to use him as the “disliked person”, not expecting anything really, simply because I did not dislike him. As usual, the Metta could build up very well through the first three stages and when I came to the “disliked person”, I felt very happy and full of Metta. Keeping my awareness inside my own body, I only just changed the name in the words I was saying to myself; “May he be happy.”. Within a minute, I was overwhelmed, not with anger or resentment towards him, but with a feeling of being physically violated. And accompanying that were strong feelings of shame for the fact that I am a woman, shame for having this body. Bringing his name inside the framework of my own body was too much. Then I knew what was going on: I had forgiven him, but never myself. I had repressed those feelings for over 20 years but now, with the Metta meditation, they were coming to the surface. I don’t need to go into detail here; I think it is obvious what had happened.
Knowing this, I could start to overcome this and kept on doing the Metta meditation in this way until the feelings of shame were gone, until I could finally accept myself as a woman without feeling inferior or unworthy because of that, until I no longer felt disgusted with having a body that was attractive to men. I feel grateful for having found this wonderful technique.
The main drawback of all this was that I had tried to talk about it, before I knew what was going on with me, with two of my friends and as a result I had aliented them. In hindsight I see that I was projecting my own feeling of unworthiness on them, wanting them to hate me, wanting them to validate those feelings I felt inside myself; I wanted them to push me away, to feel the same hatred and disgust towards me as I felt towards myself. I cannot blame them for doing just that and I feel sad for having dragged them into it. I must have been a difficult person to be around for them, maybe too needy and too clingy.
But I hope that they will forgive me one day. I have forgiven myself; my reactions were completely natural given the circumstances, only caused by the conditions of the time. I read that many women react this way. It was not my fault.