Politeness and Courtesy in the Pāli Canon: A Model of Mutual Respect and Spiritual Practice

Politeness and courtesy, as expressed in the suttas, are far from being one-sided; they reflect a true reciprocity. This dimension is evident in the oft-repeated formula:
“Having approached, he exchanged greetings of politeness and words of courtesy with the Blessed One, then sat down at one side.”
These words demonstrate not only the respect shown by interlocutors towards the Buddha but also how the Buddha himself responded with kindness. This highlights that politeness and courtesy are not mere conventions but essential virtues in all human relationships.

  1. The exchange of politeness: an exemplary reciprocity

This reciprocity between the Buddha and his interlocutors illustrates that courtesy is not merely a tribute paid to a revered teacher but the foundation of all human relations. The Buddha welcomed those who approached him with the same politeness he received, acknowledging their worth regardless of their status or knowledge. This established a relationship rooted in mutual respect. This model of politeness not only applies to disciples towards their teacher but also encourages them to extend the same courtesy among equals.

For instance, in the Dīgha Nikāya (DN 16, Mahāparinibbāna Sutta), whenever disciples or visitors approach the Buddha, he always responds with respectful salutations and gentle words. This behaviour highlights a genuine humility and profound attentiveness, underlining that courtesy is a precious tool for fostering harmonious communication.

  1. Exemplary politeness for all

In the suttas, polite exchanges are not limited to advanced disciples or notable visitors. Everyone approaching the Buddha, including laypeople and philosophical opponents, receives the same consideration. This demonstrates that courtesy is universal, extending to all interactions, whether spiritual or mundane.

A significant example appears in the Sigālovāda Sutta (Dīgha Nikāya 31), where the Buddha teaches a young layman, Sigāla, the importance of mutual respect in human relationships. The teaching begins after an exchange of courteous greetings:
“Having approached, he exchanged greetings of politeness and words of courtesy, then sat down at one side. Then, the Blessed One addressed him gently…”
This gentleness illustrates that, in the Buddha’s speech, courtesy is not merely a concession to cultural or societal norms but an expression of mettā (loving-kindness) and respect for all as human beings.

  1. Courtesy among equals and disciples

If the Buddha, as a master and figure of authority, was invariably polite and courteous in his exchanges, it naturally follows that disciples are even more strongly encouraged to display the same attitude towards one another. This politeness among equals is not only an expression of respect but also a support for avoiding conflict and fostering communal harmony, vital to monastic life.

In the Vinaya Piṭaka (Mahāvagga), it is often stated that even during disagreements, monks must begin conversations with respectful greetings and make their points or suggestions politely:
“A monk wishing to correct his brother should first bow and speak respectfully, with a spirit of fraternity and not confrontation.”
This practice prevents ego or arrogance from disturbing the Dharma and encourages genuine communication rooted in listening and reciprocity.

  1. The implicit teaching in practices of courtesy

Courtesy and politeness hold pedagogical value within the Dhamma. They teach that pure intention, essential to the spiritual path, manifests in every word and interaction. If the Buddha, fully awakened, maintained such rigour in his speech, this implies that all who seek to follow his path must be even more vigilant in practising politeness in their conduct.

In this sense, the numerous occurrences in the suttas where greetings and polite exchanges take place serve as constant reminders of the importance of mutual respect. Phrases such as “exchanging greetings of politeness and words of courtesy” are never minor details but implicit reminders of the need for respect in all interactions.

  1. Courtesy beyond outward appearance

Finally, the polite exchanges found in the suttas underline the economy of speech in Buddhism. Words are not spoken lightly; they aim to soothe, teach, or console. This measured use of speech is based on the recognition that respectful and kind words prepare the mind to receive teachings and enter into genuine relationships. Thus, being courteous is not simply about adhering to social norms but is an act of attentiveness, compassion, and ethics.

Conclusion

Politeness and courtesy, as presented in the Pāli Canon, are far more than rules of etiquette: they reflect a profound spiritual commitment to harmony and mutual respect. These exchanges, which are never one-sided, underline that the Buddha himself consistently adopted an impeccably respectful attitude towards his interlocutors, regardless of who they were. By setting this example, he invites his disciples to embody these values in their interactions, thus creating a community where speech becomes a tool for peace and transformation, both individual and collective.

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Thanks for highlighting this. :pray:

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Very, very good text. Thank you, my friend! I was born buddhist, but somehow, my parants entered a “buddhist” cult, that looks more like a dogmatic christian-magic kind of buddhism, if that’s possible. It was very common of my father, for example, to talk with really harsh words, when admonishing, but even with the intent of make his children feel less about themselves.

He is part of a Nichiren “original” buddhist tradition, and he thought that speaking like that was not a problem, even praising himself because of it. This text only shows that the Buddha’s wisdom and compassion is great, and of course, the man knew what he was doing :slight_smile:

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Well said!

To add to this, one of my favorite passages showing the politeness, warmth, harmony, and kindness of the great beings we aspire to follow in the footsteps of comes from the beginning of MN 31. Just lovely.

So I have heard. At one time the Buddha was staying at Ñātika in the brick house.

Now at that time the venerables Anuruddha, Nandiya, and Kimbila were staying in the sal forest park at Gosiṅga.

Then in the late afternoon, the Buddha came out of retreat and went to that park. The park keeper saw the Buddha coming off in the distance and said to him, “Don’t come into this park, ascetic. There are three gentlemen staying here whose nature is to desire only the self. Do not disturb them.”

Anuruddha heard the park keeper conversing with the Buddha, and said to him, “Don’t keep the Buddha out, good park keeper! Our Teacher, the Blessed One, has arrived.” Then Anuruddha went to Nandiya and Kimbila, and said to them, “Come forth, venerables, come forth! Our Teacher, the Blessed One, has arrived!”

Then Anuruddha, Nandiya, and Kimbila came out to greet the Buddha. One received his bowl and robe, one spread out a seat, and one set out water for washing his feet. The Buddha sat on the seat spread out, and washed his feet. Those venerables bowed and sat down to one side.

The Buddha said to Anuruddha, “I hope you’re keeping well, Anuruddha and friends; I hope you’re all right. And I hope you’re having no trouble getting almsfood.”

“We’re keeping well, Blessed One, we’re getting by. And we have no trouble getting almsfood.”

“I hope you’re living in harmony, appreciating each other, without quarreling, blending like milk and water, and regarding each other with kindly eyes?”

“Indeed, sir, we live in harmony like this.”

“But how do you live this way?”

“In this case, sir, I think, ‘I’m fortunate, so very fortunate, to live together with spiritual companions such as these.’ I consistently treat these venerables with kindness by way of body, speech, and mind, both in public and in private. I think, ‘Why don’t I set aside my own ideas and just go along with these venerables’ ideas?’ And that’s what I do. Though we’re different in body, sir, we’re one in mind, it seems to me.”

And the venerables Nandiya and Kimbila spoke likewise, and they added: “That’s how we live in harmony, appreciating each other, without quarreling, blending like milk and water, and regarding each other with kindly eyes.”

“Good, good, Anuruddha and friends! But I hope you’re living diligently, keen, and resolute?”

“Indeed, sir, we live diligently.”

“But how do you live this way?”

“In this case, sir, whoever returns first from almsround prepares the seats, and puts out the drinking water and the rubbish bin. If there’s anything left over, whoever returns last eats it if they like. Otherwise they throw it out where there is little that grows, or drop it into water that has no living creatures. Then they put away the seats, drinking water, and rubbish bin, and sweep the refectory. If someone sees that the pot of water for washing, drinking, or the toilet is empty they set it up. If he can’t do it, he summons another with a wave of the hand, and they set it up by lending each other a hand to lift. But we don’t break into speech for that reason. And every five days we sit together for the whole night and discuss the teachings. That’s how we live diligently, keen, and resolute.”

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