You can’t change religious texts, but you can select from them. In fact we all must do so. So as others have said, if you want to do this, make a selection.
The deeper problem, IMHO, is that your foundational principle is to not upset anybody by encountering things that are weird or thorny or inexplicable. But all those things are the spice in the soup. “Chicken soup for the Buddhist soul” is completely unappetizing to me, not just because I’m vegetarian, but because it sounds bland as hell.
The real problem with Buddhism is not that it has 2,500 year old scriptures that sometimes seem odd, it’s that, as one woman said to me recently in Jakarta, “Everything is so boring.” Less pandering, more challenging!