What’s comforting and what’s not in Buddhism?

The Watercooler
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I didn’t want to hijack @Quidam 's post about a specific situation of loss into a general discussion. But I am curious where people find comfort in Buddhism and where they don’t find Buddhism comforting.

I find comfort in the practices - meditation, Metta, Right Speech, Right Effort. They reduce internal stress and external friction.

I find comfort being around senior monastics. Their joy and presence presents a wonderful aim to practice.

And I find comfort in monastic retreats. Living with an intentional community that supports practice and treating those around you with Metta.

I don’t usually find comfort in the teachings and the EBT. I suspect they may become more comforting as one moves further along the path, as one’s direct experience of Right View grows. But at this point in my journey I find them not only not comforting, but often rather harsh and depressing. At many points they increase my suffering.

Now, in these sorts of posts it is probably inevitable that some will explain why my view of the comfort of the teachings is wrong, or how I’m not understanding correctly. If you must explain, please proceed. I will do my best not to respond and get pulled into those back-and-forth discussions defending what I’ve said. And quite I likely will fail and respond and get pulled in. :rofl:

But I’m really less interested in what the teachings say and trying to determine the “correct” meaning. I’m interested in everyone’s subjective experience of Buddhism: Where do you find Buddhism personally comforting and where - if anywhere - do you not find it comforting?

Thank you and much Metta.

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On the level of ethics it is comforting that one is the owner of one’s own actions, in other words cannot die. But the very impossibility to die, is the most uncomfortable thing, if take a closer look.

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I find comfort in Buddha teachings about emptiness. There is no real ego in the mind. There is no real self nor a possession of self. Also love, compassion, wisdom, joy, happiness, peace are not possessions of a self. The mind that still believes it is, is still a conceited mind.

Emptiness cannot be disturbed but a conceited mind is constant disturbed, right?
I find it comforting that Buddha guides us to the end of conceit which is an extreme burden. All those ideas about me, mine, my self burden heavily. It is comforting to know Buddha taught an escape from all this mess of conceit. Conceit only means complexity, endless drama’s. It is comforting to see this and to know that mind can be free from conceit.

I also feel that Buddha’s approach is very realistic. The practice of Dhamma is for one like me, with enough hate, delusion, greed not easy. But still i feel vitalized by the teachings. I can feel really grateful for what i may see.

I feel it also comforting that only conditions rule and that not in me nor in others there is a good or bad self that is the instigator of all actions.

Buddha teaches we do not have to doubt our own purity , nobilty. Oke, we might have dark bagage but also then we do not have to doubt our wealth. There is no being, not even Mara, who does not have an entirely wholesome base. That we may have full trust in our pureness and nobility is comforting.

If we are again trapped in our mental stories, nice or ugly, dark or light, thoughts about being superior, equal, inferior, let us remember the lessons and drop it, abandon immediatety all this conceit. Never doubt that you are fundamentally oke!
Do not believe all these stories. Of course one make mistakes, of course one can do bad deeds, but even that does not make one fundamentally wrong. There is nothing that can affect our purity because is it empty.

We have an opportunity to learn. Isnt learning fun? Also this i feel is comforting. That one can always learn, especially also from misery, pains, misfortune. We can always learn and practice letting go for example of our desires, our stories. We do not have to be succesful, healthy, famous, have some status, be rich, be great intellectuals, for this. Misfortune is normal. Sickness is normal. It is normal, very normal we meet with challenges. We can always practice letting to. We do not have to become sad when we become sick, decay, loose this and that because we can always learn and let go. This is also comforting.

It is also comforting to know, i feel, that letting go only means that one does not pick up a burden.

Also Buddha had fears, anxiety, sensual desire, anger, conceit etc. also that is comforting to know, i feel. I am not that exceptional :innocent:
The lotus grows from the mud. Be glad with mud. Mud is what makes us grow to the light. Mud is excellent stuff to grow. Do not become depressed by it. We are all muddy. Also this is comforting to know.

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I don’t usually find comfort in the teachings and the EBT.

Me either.

No comforting stories. Most of the teachings emphasize the negative. I like to think of them as footprints left behind by a positive creature. Still, not much comfort when you are in pain. My suspicion is that unstudied people raised in Buddhist countries take comfort in devotional practices that make them feel like something is there, a strong belief in rebirth, a strong belief in kamma, and the comfort of a congregation/community.

Looking for comfort after the death of someone important or some other harsh event in Buddhist social media is an exercise in emotional masochism. You will be given a philosophical lecture while your pain is still raw. You will get people telling you that you are wrong to seek comfort, almost mockingly. “Buddhism doesn’t sugarcoat things for you”. A lot of people in Buddhist social media are low in emotional intelligence.

As far as the positives go, for me those things would be

  1. access concentration and jhanas 1 - 2 when I can get them
  2. the shreds of a community that I have left
  3. Walking meditation. I can’t tell you many times when I have been in a very horrible state that I’ve gotten up in the night and done it for a very long time until an edge gets taken off.

These are current hopes for the future, when I lose more people important to me or face other fears

  1. Insight meditation. For over 10 years I did samatha/jhana only, having gotten confused messages from popular books and poor teachers. I could almost reliably sit down after work and go into a blissful state. That ended years ago after a death and some harsh losses. I had the thought at the time that I found myself in an anxiety bath because of a lack of the “philosophy” - insight meditation bolstered by regular observations in daily.

  2. Per number 1: continuous mindfulness during the day ( I’m not there yet ), mindfulness of mind per Sayadaw Tejaniya’s practice plus the noting technique while going about my day.

  3. I recently found a teacher in my area from my own culture who natively speaks my own language. I plan on investing in that, with the hope of getting more “course correction”.

Still, I have a feeling that when my step mother and sister go, leaving me alone life will be harsh. My hope isn’t achieving refuge, just a more realistic level of taking an edge off.

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I’m curious what you mean by this, and wonder if it’s a consequence of distressing EBTs being disproportionately likely to be quoted, e.g. due to the bias of unpleasant argumentative people being more likely to engage you on the internet and throw quotes at you.

I think there’s a lot of EBTs that are less controversial and less often discussed that are much less harsh. Just as a random example, there’s an AN sutta about how porridge is good. I sometimes like to think about it when I have porridge. But outside of a thread like this, nobody would ever bother bringing it up. Instead people argue about annihilationism vs eternalism.

There’s also plenty of suttas about kind people being nice, good things happening as a consequence, and that being good. I find those suttas comforting.

For example, here’s an excerpt from DN5

here is a plan, relying on which the plague of savages will be properly uprooted. So let the king provide seed and fodder for those in the realm who work in growing crops and raising cattle. Let the king provide funding for those who work in trade. Let the king guarantee food and wages for those in government service. Then the people, occupied with their own work, will not harass the realm. The king’s revenues will be great. When the country is secured as a sanctuary, free of being harried and oppressed, the happy people, with joy in their hearts, dancing with children at their breast, will dwell as if their houses were wide open.’

That’s a nice little story. It’s not going to make a blockbuster film - people are less likely to quote it than some fiery rebuke of wayward monks - but it’s nice.

And then there’s also the suttas about the practices you say bring you comfort, like the brahmaviharas.

If none of those things bring you comfort that’s totally fine. I just wanted to bring these up in case it helped :slight_smile:

Edit: oh, also, just answering for myself- I also find merit dedication and remembrance of good deeds quite comforting.

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I have found that what brings me comfort in the Buddhist texts has changed to a huge extent over time.

At first what I found most comforting was the explicit link between ethics and positive states. So clear and easy to follow - sila and brahmaviharas. Easy (relatively) to put into practice with immediate experiential evidence of how effective it is. It just works! - and this results in growth of confidence, and so one is drawn to look deeper. But even just this much, is enough to make a huge and wonderful positive change in ones own life, and for all those one has dealings with.

After a long time, my most comforting teachings now are those relating to emptiness and nothingness, absence of Contact, Nibbana etc.
Note… Until the time is right - these can absolutely be viewed with horror! :smile: So don’t ever feel like you have to jump in to these, that these are ‘higher’ ‘better’ etc etc… Neither superior, inferior or the same… The right thing at the right time. There is no static ‘right thing’ it changes, and is dependent on the circumstances and conditions.

Use what is beneficial and leads to more positive states (put the causes into place) and let the conditioning process do its work.

Wishing you much joy and happiness :slightly_smiling_face: :pray: :sunflower:

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I was/am a big fan of Ajahn Brahm

In one of his talks he acknowledged that Buddhism focuses on what most people would consider to be negative outcomes. He listed these things as being the positive perspective of Buddhism.

Being honest, these points bring me a momentary good feeling when I read them, but not overall lasting comfort. Perhaps they should be a modern “Daily Recollections”.

HTH

Positive aspects of Buddhism:

  1. Life is a movement toward happiness, with nibbana being the ultimate happiness. Rebirth is also a movement toward greater happiness.
  2. Kamma, everything we do, every good thing, will have a good result somewhere, somehow.
  3. Impermanence: everything changes. This too shall pass. Since everything changes there is always optimism for something better.
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I have found the teaching of impermanence can be a comfort or a spur depending on the emphasis and angle. Impermanence of the body can be a confronting reality to contemplate and can lead to a sense of nihilism where it feels like “nothing really matters because I’ll die anyway”. The same contemplation can also be quite freeing as coming to terms with aging and mortality reduces the psychological resistance to one’s inevitable demise. Remembering and trusting in the truth of impermanence can also be comforting in times of psychological distress as the conditions for distress are impermanent.

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I find asubha meditation is not good for mental health.

The Buddha teaches sati on breathing instead of asubha.

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haha Well said! That oscillating between desire-to-be and desire-to-not-be… Even within ourselves we don’t know what we want… the teaching points directly to that Noble Truth

I wrote about this before in the haiku thread but I find the ethics in (EBT) Buddhism quite uncomfortable in that it doesn’t provide an easy out: you actually have to change! :woozy_face:

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Yes, but it isn’t highly original thought :pensive:

To live when you do not want to is dreadful, but it would be even more terrible to be immortal when you did not want to be. As things are, however, the whole ghastly burden is suspended from me by a thread which I can cut in two with a penny-knife.*

Lichtenberg

Lichtenberg was an intelligent man, but perhaps excessively optimistic. Anyway mostly views are based on like/dislike attitude, that’s why modern pessimistic philosophers don’t like idea of rebirth. But again, assuming non-existence of phenomena just because it isn’t likable is rather self-deceptive.

The Trial describes what happens to a man when he starts to think: sooner or later he condemns himself as unjustified, and then despair begins (K.’s execution, the execution of hope, is the beginning of despair—henceforth he is a dead man, like Connolly and Camus and so many other intelligent Europeans, and do what he may he can never quite forget it). It is only at this point that the Buddha’s Teaching begins to be intelligible. But it must be remembered that for Connolly and the others*, death at the end of this life is the final death, and the hell of despair in which they live will come to an end in a few years’ time—why, then, should they give up their distractions, when, if things get too bad, a bullet through their brain is enough? It is only when one understands that death at the end of this life is not the final end, that to follow the Buddha’s Teaching is seen to be not a mere matter of choice but a matter of necessity. Europe does not know what it really means to despair.

Nanavira Thera

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I feel this is also comforting:

Do not be impressed by happiness and do not strive for it. Only peace is real. Strive only for peace. Buddha was not constant smiling and showing off his happiness to impress other people. He was at ease, peaceful, cooled, extinguished. I really feel this is important.

Peace is in all of us. Do not strive for happiness. Peace is not opposed to being sick, being old, not opposed to unpleasant feelings, discomfort, living in a world on fire. Happiness is.

Do not fall for the desire to be happy but at peace. Do not be impressed by happy people. Such is always only temporary and is more about personallity, not about wisdom or realisation. It is so humane to fall for the glitter and glamour of happy shining people but it is only deceptive. It is comforting when you see this and are not attracted anymore to the idleness of the world, because that it is. Be sure of that.

Buddha teaches the happiness of peace not the happiness of smiling all day and being positive and all that kind of idle worldy nonsense. Such is only rooted in conceit. Do not fall for it. When one does not doubt this anymore that is comforting.

Buddha teaches that there is only one thing that stands between being at ease with sickness, decay, loss, unpleasant feeling, difficult conditions, and that is grasping. Not letting go. We have all we need. Is that not comforting? But we must abandon this idea that the goal of Dhamma, unworldy peace, Nibbana, is opposed to becoming old, sick, having to deal with pains, meeting with difficult circumstances etc.

Buddha did not practice for happiness but for peace. If you seek happiness only conceit will grow. But if you seek peace, conceit is abandoned. The world is only conceited. Happy people are only Intoxicated by youth, by sense pleasures, by the idea of all going well (control), by some succes, by experiencing comfort, by health. It is nothing but intoxication. Do not be impressed. That is comforting.

It is really comforting when the worldy idleness is seen as it is. The search for happiness. It has no worth. It cannot be succesful. Be never impressed by happy people. Do not take them as example.
They might sell their happiness to you as signs of their wisdom, their love, there succes in dhamma practice etc, do not fall for it. Run away as fast as you can. It is merely conceit. Comforting is seeing the worldy idleness and being sure about all this. Happiness will get lost, peace not.

The goal of Dhamma is not happiness. It is peace. The peace of Nibbana that is always and any moment part of our lifes. It is not that we miss that peace. It is that we have failed to see it and have invested to much in things that keeps us ignorant about this peace. One of those things is our constant search for happiness.

It is comforting to be not impressed anymore and know what really matters.

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Hello, I do feel comfort in the things that you’ve mentioned, And it may be true That later down on the track Some of the more confronting Suttas, When their teachings applied, May have the capacity to help to alleviate suffering. Someone I know is turning to something known as Optimistic nihilism, Which Sounds like an oxymoron, Partially because of the dread of Contemplating Cyclic existence. Recently I found some talks from Bhante Sujato From 2019. In the context of talking about the continual decline of the Earth’s atmosphere Due to climate change, Bhante Suggests Microdosing on the horror. I find some of the Suttas A bit like this. I’m really not very familiar with very many Suttas I consistently reflect on MN 2, 19, 20. If I reflect on MN2 And its reference to Wise and unwise reflection, And really pay attention to The Minds long-term Very Strong habit Of reflecting unwisely, That’s really upsetting. But the upset is impermanent, It’s highly likely that me and this mind Are going to proliferate in the direction of unwise reflection On countless Occasions in the future. It’s also becoming more likely Especially with the intellectual knowledge of the Sutta That it’s possible to both recognize unwise reflection, Abandon it And also to steer the Mind towards wise reflection. When I read the Sutta, The mind saw the Mind doing silly things and reflecting unwisely, More and more, This might be referred to as a frequency illusion( Ps I still believe that I am seeing the mind by the way, Just in case you were still Craving some more existential dread and renunciant grief), And yes At the onset of recognition of this phenomenon of mind To do silly things Which I wasn’t even aware that it was doing Which was also causing me long-term suffering. I have benefited most from Trepidaciously approaching the suttas, Reflecting on As exhaustively as possible one point From an extremely dense Sutta, How does this mind do this thing that’s outlined in this point in this sutta, When does it do it, What are the conditions which Give rise to this action in the mind. Through this process Sometimes, As long as the sand isn’t shifting too fast, it seems that A process like this for me As it progresses can on occasion have the effect of Suffering decreasing Over time. The onset suffering In some cases Has been the suffering which has led to the reduction of suffering. It seems to be the case in this process on occasion there has been unpleasantness which has been beneficial.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Please don’t believe word I say, The above writing is merely My distorted delusion of reality, If anything here is of value to you I’m Grateful, I would be very grateful if You were to let me know if Anything in particular in the above has been at all helpful or unhelpful.

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A hopefully interesting side note:

I’ve been using Buddhist Internet forums since that meant insight@world.std.com and talk.religion.buddhism in the 1990s.

This topic has been a recurring topic in Buddhist forums since then.

Perhaps Buddhist teachers could take it on as subject for writing, teaching, etc.

People are hurting.

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Hi @Scott, I found this helpful from your post:

and this:

Thank you and much mettā,

Beth

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Thank you for this thoughtful inquiry.

My path to Buddhism was learning basic meditation. That has always been the most personally comforting. As time goes on, the energy talks to me like this: Well, you can skip a few days. You’ve got so much practice under your belt, you won’t notice.

Still, I meditate just about every day and find that I’m always happier at the end of a session than I may have been at the beginning.

The next most personally comforting: Transferring some deeply held loyalty to sorrowful states of mind to not-sorrowful ones. Mainly through noticing when I’m going into habits of sorrowful mind and reminding myself that we have capacity to see through that. Then seeing it through.

Those two are by far the most comforting. Now that I’ve been studying pāli here, I feel like that may be the third. :smiley:

The least comforting … honestly, I don’t find anything that makes me uncomfortable at this point – at least, not in reference to Buddhism per se. (I know there were some areas of discomfort the first few years but I don’t remember what they were.)

It doesn’t fit well in Western culture but that’s not really a comfort issue so much.

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Thank you for all the insightful comments. I found reading them quite comforting.

Yes, that is comforting. Agreed.

Nicely said. Thank you.

I find this thought quite interesting. Where I live in Canada, there are Christian churches where there is community and meaningful devotions. While there is a great monastery two hours away, there isn’t the opportunity to share meditation and devotion with a large community of Buddhists on a weekly basis.

Good point. Yes. I think Buddhist online forums can be a negative experience often.

Yes, good points. I actually do find some of the Suttas hopeful and comforting. I probably need to stop looking at them as a monolith that is comforting or not comforting as a whole, and find those that are comforting to turn to when struggling.

That’s a really nice description. And this is very much where I’m at. So I might be trying to grapple with things that are still ahead of me, not where I’m at right now.

That’s a really nice way to hold onto it. Ajahn Sona often says, "The Buddha doesn’t want you to suffer.

I used to find impermanence comforting. Lately, not so much. I agree it is one of those ideas that can take us in different directions, depending on where we’re at and how we approach it.

Agreed. I’ve moved away from using it.

Yes! It definitely calls for responsibility in a way that can be motivating or scary.

I like framing it in terms of peace, not happiness. Thanks.

Yes, I also find that idea quite powerful and helpful.

Yes. I would like to see Buddhist teachers start talking more about how Buddhists can support someone who is hurting.

Yes, well put. Meditation and Right Effort are central to my practice.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies, Everyone. :pray::heart::pray:

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I’m sure I could think of more, but here are some of the big ones.

Comforting

  • I find faith in the Triple Gem comforting. There was an human being born about 2500 years ago who became fully enlightened (Buddha), discovering the truth of the way things are and the way out of suffering and stress (Dhamma). And out of great compassion, He shared that with us so that we may realize it for ourselves (Sangha). This is extremely rare and we are blessed, truly blessed, to be living at a time and in such circumstances that we can learn and practice the Dhamma. Think of how few human beings have had this opportunity.
  • He went through great hardship and self-torture to discover the Dhamma. He taught us how to avoid making the same mistakes. I think there are some parallels to how Christians believe Jesus suffered on the cross for our sins. For those of us coming from Judeo-Christian societies, we can leverage this sort of background psychology into our own faith in the Buddha.
  • Seeing in my mind slow but gradual progress in increase in wholesome states and decrease in unwholesome ones. Proof that Dhamma practice works.
  • Seeing and hearing wise, accomplished monks. For example, Ajahn Jayasaro always looks full of happiness and just seeing him talk makes me smile. This shows that Dhamma practice can lead to truly amazing states of peace and happiness. It gives me something to look forward to.

Discomforting

  • How much more work I have to do and how many defilements are in my mind. Sometimes it feels like chipping away at Mt. Everest with a hand axe. But I am resolved to find joy in the work. Sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not, but its presence occurs more and more often.
  • Samsara. It’s really quite terrifying. But that’s part of the utility of this teaching: it spurs one to do something about it.
  • The two steps forward, one step back nature of the practice. Sometimes it’s one step forward, two steps back. But the overall trajectory is upward. This has become less discomforting as I’ve come to realize that every practitioner faces this dynamic. It’s just the nature of things. It’s normal.
  • Being a fairly serious Dhamma practitioner in the Western world where the culture tends to pull in the opposite direction of Dhamma. But this is good training and helps push the mind toward seclusion. It’s perhaps somewhat similar to what it would be like to practice in a deva realm with all sorts of pleasure at your beck and call.

You’ll notice that I’ve spun all the discomforting ones in a positive light. I do this because I think this is an important part of Dhamma practice. It’s a skillful means. We have to figure out ways to encourage ourselves. Not in a Pollyannish way, but with investigation and wisdom.

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Well said! While I don’t always achieve it (or, honestly, even practice it), I see it as a part of Right Effort.

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Tilopa said to Naropa (in my own words): ‘Naropa you do not suffer from what you experience but from what you hold on to’.

This i also see in the sutta’s. It is due to grasping that we pick up the burden. If my Dhamma practice is build upon expactations that i will never feel pain, will not become sick, will not loose loved one, will not meet problems, then it just has not a realistic base and becomes a depressing and disappointing case.

I believe a realistic base for practice is to come in terms with sickness, pains, decay, loss, and what ripens in our own life. Not promoting fatalism but if things are once become a reality, we have to deal with it. Have peace with it. Let go of all these desires that things must be nice, agreeable, pleasant, comfortable. All that is not of help.

The sutta’s also say that we might reap the results of our former dark deeds. A sutta says we can only patiently endure this ripening of dark deeds and not make new dark deeds again based upon them. (AN3.74, AN4.195)

The end of suffering lies in letting go. Not complaining how life is. Not complaining what comes on your own Path. Of course such is humane but with the expactation that Dhamma will make your life easy, it will only become disappointing.

My experience is: It is just not helpful to desire the end of pains, sickness, the disagreeable, comfort, happiness, health, all such things cannot happen. One can only change ones own unrealistic desires regarding all this. End them and come in terms with how life is. Only this is the Path to escape samsara, by coming in terms with it.