SuttaCentral
Not-self + Compassion = Joy 4 U
People don’t really care who you are.
Rather, people care more about whether you care about THEM.
Knowing this, let’s forget what people think about us, but rather, learn to care about them more and more.
We’ve got to somehow remove ourselves from the picture. And just learn to extend a hand from the frame towards the beholder.
I agree with you! Here are my notes on a TED talk that has really helped me do exactly what you are talking about:
Ten ways to have a better conversation by Celeste Headlee
Don’t Multitask
Be 100% present in the conversation
Pay attention and be engaged
Don’t Pontificate
Don’t overstate my opinion over the other person’s
Be open to learning about the other person
Assume that I have something to learn
Use open ended questions:
-Who?
-What?
-When?
-Where?
-Why?
-How?
Ask them simple questions and let them describe their experience:
-What was that like?
-How did that feel?
Go with the flow of the conversation:
-Don’t stop listening because I thought of something clever to ask or say and are just waiting for an opportunity to say my thing
-Don’t derail the conversation by going back to make my point. When thoughts arise and the golden opportunity passes, let it go.
If I don’t know, say “I don’t know”
Err on the side of caution
Don’t equate my experience with theirs (i.e. Death of a loved one, troubles at home, difficulties at work).
-Don’t trump their pain or success with mine
-I don’t have to prove how amazing I am or how much I’ve suffered
Don’t repeat myself:
-Don’t keep rephrasing the same thing over and over
-It’s boring, condescending and shows insecurity
Stay out of the weeds:
-Too many details make people lose interest
-People don’t care about the specific years, names, dates or places of the story
-They care about me, what we share, how we relate
Listen!
Listening is the single most important thing
Prefer to listen rather than talk
If I talk too much:
-I grab the center of attention
-I become controlling
I don’t have to hear anything I’m not interested in
-I can bolster my own identity
Listen with the intent to understand, not with the intent to reply
Be brief:
-Better to say less rather than keep digging a big hole.