I’ve spent most of the past year dealing with death and dying, culminating with the funeral of my best friend last week.
It has been a wonderful opportunity to mindfully contemplate the suffering inherent in life, and the inevitable progress through aging, disease and death. Of particular note was the stark example of how the suffering inherent in this process can be reduced by following the Buddhas teachings, and how excruciating the suffering can be when approached in the ‘normal’ way in general Australian society today.
I thought it might be useful, and perhaps promote some more general mindfulness of the dying process, (and hence reduce suffering) to raise a few points here that stood out from this experience.
From the perspective of the Suttas, a couple examples.
https://suttacentral.net/snp3.8/en/mills
Here’s the life of mortals,
wretched and brief,
its end unknown,
to dukkha joined.
There’s no means that those
who’re born will never die.
Reached decay, then death:
the law for beings all.
As with what’s ripe
there’s always fear of falling,
so for mortals born
there’s always fear of death.
Just as a potter’s vessels
made of clay all end
by being broken, so
death’s the end of life.
The young, those great in age,
the fools, as well the wise
all go under the sway
of death, for death’s their goal.
Those overcome by death,
to another world bound:
father can’t protect his son,
nor relatives their kin.
While relatives are watching,
they weep and they lament;
See mortals one by one,
led as an ox to slaughter.
As the world’s afflicted
by death and by decay,
so the wise grieve not,
knowing world’s nature well.
Their path you do not know
whereby they come, they go,
neither end you see,
useless your lament.
While lamenting,
The confused harm themselves;
If any benefit could be found,
Would not the wise do it to?
Not by weeping and wailing,
Can peace of mind be reached.
It just creates more suffering,
And distresses the body.
You become thin and discolored,
Harming yourself with your self;
And the departed are not protected by this,
Lamentation is pointless!
When grief is not abandoned,
A person falls into even more suffering;
Wailing over the dead,
They are overpowered by grief.
See how others fare,
People passing on according to their deeds;
Creatures tremble,
As they fall under the sway of Death.
Whatever you think it is,
It becomes something else.
Such is separation,
See the way of the world.
Even if a person were to live
A hundred years or more,
They would still be divided from their family,
Abandoning this life.
That is why having heard the arahant,
And dispelled lamentation;
When you see the dead and departed,
You don’t think you can get them back.
Just as one would extinguish
A burning building with water;
So too a steadfast, wise one, a skilful, clever person,
Would quickly blow away
Grief when it arises,
As wind, a tuft of cotton.
One who is seeking happiness
should draw out the painful dart—
lamentations and longings—
the grief that is within.
Dart withdrawn and unattached,
the mind attains to peace,
passed beyond all grief,
griefless, fires put out
https://suttacentral.net/an8.74/en/sujato
Mindfulness of Death (2nd)
Dutiyamaraṇassati SuttaAN 8.74AN iv 320Dutiyamaraṇassati Sutta
AN 8.74
AN iv 320
A mendicant should reflect each night on the dangers that lie around them, and practice mindfulness of death with urgency to give up the unwholesome.
Bhikkhu SujatoEnglish& Pāli, 2018
Numbered Discourses 8
- Pairs
74. Mindfulness of Death (2nd)
At one time the Buddha was staying at Nādika in the brick house. There the Buddha addressed the mendicants:
“Mendicants, when mindfulness of death is developed and cultivated it’s very fruitful and beneficial. It culminates in the deathless and ends with the deathless.
And how is mindfulness of death developed and cultivated to be very fruitful and beneficial, to culminate in the deathless and end with the deathless? As day passes by and night draws close, a mendicant reflects: ‘I might die of many causes. A snake might bite me, or a scorpion or centipede might sting me. And if I died from that it would be an obstacle to me. Or I might stumble off a cliff, or get food poisoning, or suffer a disturbance of bile, phlegm, or piercing winds. Or I might be attacked by humans or non-humans. And if I died from that it would be an obstacle to me.’ That mendicant should reflect: ‘Are there any bad, unskillful qualities that I haven’t given up, which might be an obstacle to me if I die tonight?’
Suppose that, upon checking, a mendicant knows that there are such bad, unskillful qualities. Then in order to give them up they should apply outstanding enthusiasm, effort, zeal, vigor, perseverance, mindfulness, and situational awareness.
Suppose your clothes or head were on fire. In order to extinguish it, you’d apply intense enthusiasm, effort, zeal, vigor, perseverance, mindfulness, and situational awareness. In the same way, in order to give up those bad, unskillful qualities, that mendicant should apply outstanding enthusiasm …
But suppose that, upon checking, a mendicant knows that there are no such bad, unskillful qualities. Then that mendicant should meditate with rapture and joy, training day and night in skillful qualities.
Or else, as night passes by and day draws close, a mendicant reflects: ‘I might die of many causes. A snake might bite me, or a scorpion or centipede might sting me. And if I died from that it would be an obstacle to me. Or I might stumble off a cliff, or get food poisoning, or suffer a disturbance of bile, phlegm, or piercing winds. Or I might be attacked by humans or non-humans. And if I died from that it would be an obstacle to me.’ That mendicant should reflect: ‘Are there any bad, unskillful qualities that I haven’t given up, which might be an obstacle to me if I die today?’
Suppose that, upon checking, a mendicant knows that there are such bad, unskillful qualities. Then in order to give them up they should apply outstanding enthusiasm, effort, zeal, vigor, perseverance, mindfulness, and situational awareness.
Suppose your clothes or head were on fire. In order to extinguish it, you’d apply intense enthusiasm, effort, zeal, vigor, perseverance, mindfulness, and situational awareness. In the same way, in order to give up those bad, unskillful qualities, that mendicant should apply outstanding enthusiasm …
But suppose that, upon checking, a mendicant knows that there are no such bad, unskillful qualities. Then that mendicant should meditate with rapture and joy, training day and night in skillful qualities. Mindfulness of death, when developed and cultivated in this way, is very fruitful and beneficial. It culminates in the deathless and ends with the deathless.”
The Buddha clearly emphasised that mindfulness of death and dying reduces the suffering inherent in the experience, and for those working towards awakening, that it can lead to the deathless. However, todays approach to funerals and the entire process of dying seems to be geared to the opposite of this. Indeed I found the funeral itself to be more ‘Disneyland’ than anything resembling reality. I found it very disturbing to see that this approach is now the Norm… that the current attitude to death (thought it may appear to be ‘protecting’ people from suffering, it is actually perpetuating it. It’s like with a small child and the removal of a splinter. The best way is to be matter of fact and cause a little bit of pain and remove the splinter, rather than be so worried by causing this small amount of pain and leaving it behind, that one puts a Disney band-aid over it to make it look pretty yet let it become infected and suppurate causing lots of extended pain. It is this insistence on sugar coating everything - on denying the reality of life, this body and experience, that builds delusion and causes much greater suffering in the medium and long term.
This aspect of sugar-coating death (development of rites and rituals) is not new. It was touched upon in this discussion about Kamma.
Points that stood out for me as exacerbating suffering
Overall general conclusion
- The modern western approach to death and dying cultivates suffering and delusion rather than alleviates it. The funeral was the final ‘show piece’ - complete with stage make-up, opening and closing curtains, and a focus on the great loss for those left behind. Overall, it was as if some great injustice was perpetrated upon the living… the outrageousness of Death interrupting the proper order of things…
Ways that this is set up by social conventions
- Denial of aging, sickness and death (culture of youth, camouflage of aging and death)
- Active maintenance of the illusion that the body is the self (emphasis on physical properties not spiritual or metaphysical)
- Discouragement of contemplating death and dying (categorised as morbid and unhealthy)
- Metaphors of fighting and winning the battle with death… or losing
- Language and projection of death and dying ‘sanitised’ to the point that denial is easy
- Stigmatisation and discomfort dealing with facts of dying or grief and suffering - somehow seen as a bit weak and somewhat shameful - just put it behind you - forget it - move on - fight it - Avoid it.
The work involved in seeing the reality of death and dying needs to be done well in advance if it is to be of real benefit, before the emotional and physical challenges are acute. It seems that the moment of realisation that death is near - always comes as a surprise… no time to do anything more about it…
I found it very unsatisfactory to witness this self, and socially, perpetuated suffering, without being able to do anything substantial about it…
However, I am very grateful, that I have found and followed the Buddhas teachings. And I’d just like to encourage others not to delay in doing this work, and to be aware of how this situation will affect each of our own lives and the lives/deaths of those close to us. Don’t delay! Do the work as if ones hair is on fire!
LOL I think I’m going to be very unpopular with my nieces this Easter, as I describe reality to them… no Easter Bunnies… just reality, mortality and the temporary and unsatisfactory nature of the body… Maybe we can make chocolate Easter ‘bones’ Too much?
Please excuse this unstructured meander through this topic. It is just meant to stimulate some contemplation. Death and dying don’t have to be awful