Dear Coemgenu
Sharing this part of your story here is a strong act of honesty, of acknowledgement - a valuing of truth. I think I can safely speak for all of us here in saying that we respect and honour such an act. Thank you for having the courage, and the trust in us, to share and acknowledge something that has clearly been hurting you for some time.
So far you have had the benefit of a number of differing pieces of advice on this thread. I would encourage you to take what is useful to you. By useful, what I mean is what makes you feel a sense of goodness again, or whatever you think will lead you to such a sense of goodness within yourself.
I feel for you, I’m sure we all do. I’m sure all of us have things in our past that we’re deeply ashamed of and so ashamed we have difficulty fully admitting them. You have done just this here in this topic. But, if I may give you a suggestion, you have to also - if you haven’t already done so - do this by yourself. Alone. It might take a few sessions - at your own pace and comfort - to gradually get to a full sense of acknowledgement. But it is a full acknowledgement that will lead to forgiveness and letting go. I know in my own life, the issues that still hover hinderingly around me, are the ones that I haven’t fully gone to the heart of. Of course, I can’t force this, but I can facilitate the causes for this to occur. 
But…before you do so… There are three things I want to say:
- I want to share with you an image that helps me to communicate how I see myself in such situations: Imagine our planet, gliding in space. Imagine its heart, its molten core. Notice the thin and etherial atmosphere and see where it melts into the vacuum of space. Notice the moon orbiting.
The moon is forever trapped in orbit. But it wants, to move through the layers of air and water and earth and merge with the molten core of the Earth.
There’s a part of you that’s the moon. There’s a hurt part of you that is defended/shielded, separated from the rest of you - that’s the Earth’s core, shielded and defended by the soil and dirt and water and air. The moon trys to reach the core.
The only way it can is if the layers of atmosphere melt away. The first layer might be the guilt. See it as an emotion that is not an absolute truth. It is conditioned. It is allowed to dissipate.
Notice that as you live your life, this guilt is not something that you are constantly aware of. There are many moments when you notice other things. Thus this guilt is not you, it is not constant. If you leave it alone, while you’re alone, if you leave it alone for long enough and without engaging with it, without poking it or prodding it or running from it or analysing it or trying to understand it or act through it or within it or whatever other form of dance you may have been doing with it for all these years - if you just leave it alone, it will disappear.
See what happens as you descend through this layer, see your vulnerability and whatever else arises. Have this sense of “leaving things alone” towards whatever arises. Don’t engage with it, resist the temptation to think about it or analyse it - though you may do this because you’re conditioned to do so. In which case it may take several meditation sessions and alot of patience…but it will happen. A meditation retreat with a kind hearted teacher might help too.
But whatever arises…do not engage with it. Don’t even attempt to understand it. This may seem counter-productive, but it’s not. Just leave it alone. If you can have this approach, there is a very strong chance that you will notice fading away, insights into the intricate, subtle, intimate workings of your own mind and a bunch of other Dhamma related stuff that’s completely cool. There’s a strong chance that you’ll understand, forgive, let go and walk away a wiser more compassionate being.
- Before you charge into your own lion’s den, first do all you can to first support yourself. Because such a course of action, where we go bravely to face our own fear and guilt, can seem daunting and can leave us feeling defeated if we don’t have the correct attitude or support.
You need to be kind to yourself. In whatever wholesome way you can be. Buy extra sweets or eat your favourite take away or watch some comedies or do your favourite exercise or do some gardening or whatever you fancy…or if you can, do a little bit of metta meditation everyday. Practise generosity in order to grow your good feeling and your self esteem and to increase your happiness. These things are about building resilience, so you can actually have all of this good kamma (the good kamma of being kind to yourself) as a support for you. So when you sit alone, facing whatever is difficult, this goodness and kindness is wrapping you up in its arms like a supportive blanket of love and strength.
It is okay to focus on your own heart in all this. It is okay to be just as kind to yourself as you wish to be to Luke. May all beings be happy - that includes you. It would sadden my heart exceedingly to think that you were not seeing your own happiness as an equally worthy goal to seeing Luke’s.
Indeed, another incredibly supportive thing for your mind is to obtain a simple book to keep as a journal. In this journal it will be helpful to write down all the good things you can remember. The good things others have done you. The good things you have done. The things you are grateful for. Most of us have a terrible habit of focusing on the negatives. It seems ingrained. For me, part of the journey of being a Practising Buddhist has been to gradually change this. Sure, it’s a work in progress…but it’s an enjoyable and useful work! It is very enriching for my Practise and my ability to be useful and kind to myself and others. And please, write down the smallest things as well. Write down the time you opened a door for someone or smiled at a stranger. We take goodness for granted and have stopped noticing it. Yet it is everywhere. What we focus on grows. Your world is much more to do with how your react to the external things, than the external things themselves. You create your world. Make it a good one.
You may find this helps you to take the focus off the negative aspects of your past and to get a better, more realistic perspective - a truer way of looking at things. Have you heard of Ajahn Brahm’s story of the brick wall? Or his similie of holding one’s hand in front of one’s face? Let me know if you haven’t - they’re both incredibly useful and worth hearing.
Learning to change our perspective, to focus more on positivity and goodness means that we give ourselves the freedom to be more present; we give ourselves a chance to let go of the past.
The past is over. It’s done. Your job now is to grow love and kindness and understanding of the little fellow that you were, and also understanding towards others in your life. This is how we begin to see the big picture of suffering, of how we, all things, are in flux - conditioned, not solid - nothing to be blamed - just understoond. You’ll find if you can see the link between such understanding and truth and honesty and acknowledgement, if you find this, you’ll find compassion for yourself and others. You’ll be able to walk away from your guilt and shame and live and breathe again.
It’s okay to even allow this possibility for yourself. In a purely pragmatic sense, you do yourself no service in believing your shame and guilt as the only truths worthy of attention in all this. Indeed, you weaken yourself as a human being and thus you are not serving yourself and if you’re not as kind as you can be, as self-loving and self confident as you can be, as goodness noticing as you can be, then my friend, you’re not goint to be the most efficient friend, colleague, lover, student, brother, son, father…how can you hope to be at your best to serve others when you are not at your best in serving yourself?
- Don’t believe what your thoughts are telling you. Don’t believe the tale your mind tells you about feeling guilty and ashamed. Because if you do, it’s like you’re hanging out with “bad friends”. Remember they’re just thoughts. They’re part of the sankhara khanda. They’re not truth. They’re impermanent, they’re without core/self, they are just words. You are under no obligation to believe them.
Let yourself sit alone, watch and listen and feel, remember a loving attitude and just leave yourself be. See what happens.
As to helping Luke…
Your paths were entertwined for a while. And his actions impacted you and yours impacted him.
But you’re responsible for your path. You cannot make him be helped by you. You cannot put him in charge of making you feel absolved of your past actions. Nothing can do that. But understanding and love and forgiveness and learning to be present - not past - and learning why this is valuable and right…these things can allow you to have a chance to completely let go.
At some point you’re going to have to let go of your sense of responsibility for Luke. He is in charge of his kamma. His journey is his. You have to leave him to it. Especially if he doesn’t want you to be part of it.
A time may come when you get a chance to make amends. But make sure you’re ready for this by ensuring that you do so out of a deep sense of understanding and forgiveness and love for him and for yourself. Grow these good things - but not just as an act of getting ready for a chance to make amends. Because you might not get this chance, and that’s okay. That is okay. You’re allowed to let this go. There’s so much mess in all our pasts, in this world in general, we do not increase love and get any peace or freedom by trying to heal wounds by poking at them, by cosseting them and fussing over them. Some wounds just have to be left alone. Sometimes this is the way to heal them - sometimes this is the healing of them.
Oh…one last things…people so often expect so much of themselves when it comes to growing metta. But, let me ask you, can you focus on the feeling of goodness and peace and simple ordinary happiness in your heart that is there (if you let yourself notice it) when you hold the door for someone or you smile at someone as you say “good morning”? Just imagine saying good morning to someone. Feel how that feels and see if you can just be in that feeling for as long as it feels good and natural to do so. If you can notice that sort of small, simple, humble degree of kindness, well, that’s all you need and you’re on your way.
You can do it.
