Perhaps to understand what I write below, acknowledge I am speaking of the Jātaka, from the Khuddanikāya, and its subsection of the itthivagga. Thank-you.
I have been here before, merely with one post, and I am very sorry to return once more to sing the same song, with different wording. But tonight, I am more distraught than is healthy to be, and I still do-not-yet know where else to turn. It was last time I sought the words of those here, that i did receive words and perspectives that granted me some serenity, solace, and clarity that helped me dearly. I suppose I am hoping I will find this peaceful guidance once-more.
I am easily brought to my fearful, doubtful, discouraged,and beat-down mindset by reading but a single passage, a paragraph, a sentence, a line, that reinforces the ideals which have always consumed me and haunted me. It is not a good trait to foster, to nurture, but it is not a quick-process to get-over. Please be patient with me.
I am distraught over a particular passage, or rather, grouping of passages, I happened-upon tonight. I have been working diligently in my free-time to take-in and read, and reflect on, any passage which I feel calls to me. It was my first time treading the territory of what is written in the Jātaka, when I could not pry my desire away from reading what I knew would only bring distress.
These group of texts are of the Jātaka, in its ekanipāta, itthivagga. There is texts from Ja 61 through Ja 70 in this category, but I could only bring-myself to read “Asātamantajātaka”, Ja 61.
In a matter of minutes of reading, I have allowed what I have found and read to completely and entirely demolish my sense of solace I found within the path, to tear-down that trust I had finally re-established in the Buddha’s teachings. I do not say this to attack or portray the Buddha and his teachings in an ill light, for I know my distrust and fear is not placed in him, but in the facts that I potentially refuse to accept, or in the reality that things have been influenced by ancient culture’s to be different from their original message. Yet even knowing this, I feel deeply betrayed, scared, discouraged, and alone. I did not want to be reminded of these feelings while exploring the path that was for some-while showing me peace.
For some time, I was ignoring the words I knew were the product of societal influence seeping its way into the transcriptions and translations. But I cannot fool myself into believing an entire segment of stories was a misrepresentation or byproduct of cultural influence, I cannot bring myself to try and reflect deeply and see a different perspective on my own accord. I am afraid. I am afraid because I cannot grow within the Buddha’s teachings, in the path, when I am trapped within a cycle of self-torment and despair from passages like these.
I know, with the logical part of my brain, that I am once-more allowing myself to fall to the self-originating, destructive and predatory thoughts that eat-away at me incessantly. I know I am taking out-of-proportion words which were written in a text not found within the prime canon of the literature for Buddhists, allowing them to re-write and dictate-over the entire doctrine and teaching.
I suppose I am asking two things, for whomever will be patient-enough or feel it in their capability to soothe my frantic thoughts and show me the path taught by the Buddha was more than what I am currently interpreting.
How…important, valid, is what is written in the Jātaka, compared to other Buddhist canonical texts…?
What…exactly was this passage trying to communicate, that was so crucial to the teaching it was included amongst the texts…?
If I have offended anyone whilst communicating this, I am deeply, truly, sorry. It is not my intention to speak words of negativity or slandering, to twist and distort the path we follow. I only intend to seek perspective and wisdom, that tonight, I desperately need. Please do forgive me if I have spoken something wrong. Thank-you for your time.