The weight of the conceit I am

I believe, the heart knows life is holy, meaning, a wholeness, a oneness. There is a sphere of non-seperation. It knows this in a way that is not the result of thinking, pondering. I believe this is everybodies inborn intuitive understanding of Nibbana, called the state of grace in the sutta’s.

The holiness of life or wholeness will be challenced when we are confronted with loss, injustice, conflict, decay, death etc. in life. This happened to the prince too. In fact ego-conceit grows now. One feels more and more seperated from life as a seperate entity.

Suffering often results in a growing feeling that there is a Me, Mine, My Self that is seperated from Life and Others. It leads to a certain enstrangement from ourselves, others and life. We become very convinced of our personal existence. In a sense the feeling of being a seperate entity, a self, often grows confronted with misery in Life. That growth weighs heavy on the heart, right?

Where does it grow upon? It all starts with a loss of faith in Life meeting the truth of suffering.
The growing ego-conceit (asmi mana) comes with a growing sense of seperation, isolation, personal existence, and that really weighs heavy on the heart. And this is really very different from seclusion!

Dispassion for the world is happiness
for one who has gone beyond sensual pleasures.
But dispelling the conceit ‘I am’
is truly the ultimate happiness.” (Ud2.1)

I believe the ex-prince heart never forsaked his inborn understanding and faith in the holiness (read wholeness) of life, Nibbana. That is what stimuled him to search. He did NOT gave up on life!
That is also the reason why he awakened to life, i believe.

Holiness just means wholeness, no seperations. The more one is devoted to this holiness or wholeness the more ones mind is turned to dispassion, purity, egolessness. This is for me something completely non-sectarian and has nothing to do with being a Buddhist.

Life becomes dark and miserable when one does not recover from loosing faith in life.
The heart can accept that faith is temporary lost, challenged, but the heart cannot accept that people (including we ourselves) hold on to seperation, to enstrangement, to isolation. The heart always wants to recover from all this because that is just its nature.

Personally i have very strong feelings about this, i notice. I believe awakening is impossible without a feeling for the holiness of life because that is not different from having a feeling for Nibbana and the Path.

This also means that i believe one must not see nor approach Life as a problem that must be solved or ended. What must be solved and ended are defilements, especially that we lead a life of enstrangement, seperation, isolation due the conceit I am.

That is not living the holy life.

May you all be well