SuttaCentral
To those who renounce, please take care with the tender hearts of others. Please recognise that your boundaries can be incomplete and that your intentions can be mixed.
Please recognise that in being human, your human tendencies and changeability can be experienced by others
And please be honest in relation to your renunciation and admit that it is often still a work-in-progress.
Please take care with the tender hearts of others who still deeply value the many gifts of human connection.
In case it was me, any advice for me? The more specific the better.
Hope everything is ok, sounds like a yucky experience with someone in particular maybe? Feel free to DM if you need to talk.
Whilst I appreciate your posts intention and think it’s good advice (for anyone, not just monastics), I wonder if you’ve tried resolving it with the monastic involved?
I get approached by people from time to time saying they had a unpleasant experience with such and such a monastic. When I ask if they’ve raised it with the individual concerned they say no. I truly think it’s more useful and purposeful to tell monastics about their bad behaviour, rather than, for example, only have a conversation with me about it (although I’m happy to listen).
Although it can be challenging to confront someone who upsets us because of things like a perceived power imbalance, community dynamics, etc there are some ways to raise it, either through writing to them, or arranging a meeting with a mediator or intermediary, or formal grievance procedures through their temple or monastery.
That way the monastic is informed that their behaviour was harmful, and they can understand that their behaviour needs to change. Hopefully this gives them the chance to change their ways.
It also will help the people impacted feel like they are empowered and that they stand up for themselves when boundaries are crossed. Which is important! We don’t have to put up with bad behaviour.
Forgiveness and moving forward is possible when we have a difficult conversation. But if a monastic responds with a lot of anger and ego when admonished or given feedback that’s not a good sign.
Remember too they are human just like everyone and trying their best. People whether lay or ordained aren’t always that their best all the time. But we are trying and if it is pointed out that we need to improve then we should regard it as a treasure.
Hope this helps.
Many times I have criticised monastics not to their face.
One time I have emailed a senior /abbot giving critical feedback.
And another time I had a call with the teacher of the monastic I was finding fault in.
Many times I have been told to give feedback directly to monastics.
When the fault is really disturbing me - I have never found the capacity to be able to do so.
Probably fear I am guessing now not being in the situation.
Fear that I am actually wrong.
Knowing that they are far my superior and their mind is way less defiled. There is a high chance I am wrong. And that whatever is upsetting me is my own fabricated problem.
This was the feedback I have been given before. And so it was quite humiliating to have made the effort to email with the feedback.
I nearly removed myself completely / felt it easier to do so than give critical feedback directly.
I have not managed to live out this advice yet I do believe it is wonderful advice. I feel most likely I will just be corrected if I point something out so what is the point. I personally have a terrible relationship with power. And I know this is my own psychological problems.
Faith tells me these things can change by taking very small steps.
I have stopped criticising monastics to others.
And I am not so much concerned with what they are doing wrong anymore - or how they are impacting me.
I find myself focusing more on what I can improve.
Maybe one day I will give critical feedback/ point something out.
Those who renounce are human.
They have bodies, feeling & mind. They are normal people, like most of the other people. Robe is just another fashion style. You can use it if you like but do not use it you do not like it. Being a monastic is not based on the robe weared but what is inside the mind.
So, whatever you overcome or experience, just realize that they are just another human like us. Just leave if you disagree with them. Their words is not 100% The Buddha’s word. Their words include their own opinion. You can refer to the Sutta’s if you need to hear real Buddha’s word & read it on your own.
Good luck
Hi Moo,
I too am guilty of criticizing monastics in the way you describe.
It’s exactly for me the way you mentioned it, that deep down their minds are very pure and my own is defiled. Like my criticisms are a projection only seen in hindsight. It’s terrible. And they were so good to me in response! I just want to say, thank you for being so open, I feel less alone with my remorse over having done it also.
Willy
My post referred to experiences with two individuals. In both cases, mixed messages were transmitted and interpersonal engagement entered into. And why did I engage? Due to my own vulnerability and desperation to escape suffering. Unwise, naive and as lost as I was.
Yes, those who renounce are very human indeed and may prefer to overlook how their own unacknowledged human aspects manifest. The idea that those who renounce are necessarily higher, more pure and without shadow elements is to me, ridiculous.
Thank you Bhante (former) for your most welcomed reply, you have always been very real to me. And thank you also to those who generously liked.
Hi Moo,
There are enough monastics, clergy, etc across all religions that have less than stellar behaviour that I feel it is erroneous to presume they are your ‘superior’ or less ‘defiled’. Let their actions - not their position or attire - determine their status in your mind.
I learnt that the hard way. Despite being an atheist at the time, I did keep a photo of a particular monk by my front door for many years. It made me smile, so I always left and returned home on a happy note.
I then found out something about that monk that made me take the picture down and walk around for the next 3 days feeling like I had a knife in my chest. I was soooo disappointed.
I did realise though that whilst their actions were theirs to sort out, the disappointment I felt was my own fault for putting expectations on them in the first place.
I’ve never been disappointed with anyone since.
I did nearly put someone else on a pedestal years down the track, … but I recognised I was elevating this person and decided to step back from interacting with them for a while to nip that in the bud.
The overwhelming thought in my mind at the time tho was that it was not fair to that person. Who am I to decide on the parameters someone else should live up to? I would not like someone doing that to me.
Anyway, that’s my non-Buddhist take on combating disappointment. Remove expectation. 
… and don’t be so hard on yourself ( or them) -none of us are perfect 
Those who have gone into homelessness, following the Teacher’s path, deserve some modicum of veneration for having done so. As a lay follower, it is appropriate to rejoice and welcome the example of monastics.
However, this does not mean we should see all monastics as inherently superior, as teachers, as infallible because not all monastics are. The Teacher instructed us to see through illusion, not to construct new ones to reify.
This does not mean as a lay person we should wily nily criticize or hold monastics up to an unobtainable standard, but rather we should look into our intentions with all criticism of others to see if it is virtue or vice and develop equanimity towards all. 
Monastics and lay people are the same. We’re all equal. There is no religious caste system in Buddhism.
Depends, like in terms of power over food, lay people are superior. Bhikkhus cannot touch food which we want to eat, but haven’t been offered.
In terms of free time, Bhikkhus are superior to lay person. In our precepts too, we cannot bow to lay people, but the other way around happens because of culture, or genuine respect. In food offerings, I don’t see lay people taking food before the monastics. So up to you to define what’s considered a caste system or not. There’s just clear observational differences between monastics and lay people.
Didn’t the Buddha Teach a Sutta about not seeing oneself as superior or inferior?
Yes, one should not compare out of conceit. But then there’s also clear differences. We are taught not to teach dhamma to people who are disrespectful. Many rules and precepts have clear boundaries of such thing can do with ordained people, such things cannot do with unordained people.
Respecting spiritual renunciants is not a “caste system.” I wonder if the people using that word have ever lived in a society with an actual caste system. And I wonder how they treat their elder family members.
That does not make one superior. It just gives one an important place in Buddhism. But in terms of Realization, a Lay-Follower is exactly the same as a Monastic in terms of potential to Awaken. Buddha’s system of Awakening was based on explaining levels of Realization that everyone can attain. Because everyone has the same potential for Enlightenment, everyone is equal on the level of Anatta and Sunyata… Not-Self and Emptiness. 
Respect is not meaning that person is superior to you.
If you understand, you would give everyone equal respect, right?
100% agree.
It is advisable to balance logic and faith.
Faith in the Teaching is needed. But faith in Individual Cult is questionable.
So, I recommend to review again what so called ‘Faith’. A rational realization of the true teaching is called “Faith”. But, any ‘Individual Cult’ is called ‘Avijja’.
‘Sila’ & ‘Vinaya’ are needed for those who TEND to broke it, like us common people.
But, for those who realized ‘Viraga’, ‘Vimutti’ & ‘Asava’, ‘Sila’ & ‘Vinaya’ are NOT NEEDED any more. They do not TEND to broke what we called ‘Sila’ or ‘Vinaya’ anymore.