Hello everybody.
I have been mulling over this subject for months now and I feel that I need to do it and talk about it now.
Please note that my mother language is not English hence my choice of words may not be as precise and exact as needed to convey my points clealy. I will try nonetheless.
First off, I think a bit background about me is due:
I am a single man from Iran in my late thirties. I am an ex-muslim which does not believe in a single religion but I cannot deny them either, be it abrahamic or Indian or Iranian. I have been searching for a religion on and off ever since I left Islam years ago. Also whether important or now, I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression in the past.
Secondly, a bit about how I got to know Buddhism:
I have been meditating mindfulness for about a year now and I got to know Buddhism via Persian translated books years ago, but it did not become a serious subject until about two years ago during a joblessness experience that I had. As I am from Iran, I do not have access to Buddhist monks and temples as guidance and all that I have learned comes from mediocre translated Persian books which are mainly compositions containing references to various canonical sources rather than a coherent text . I do have a book though that is titled Awakening of Faith in Mahayana which is the only coherent and canonical textbook that I have.
As I explored Buddhism further, I also started to become more intimate and involved with classical Persian poems that I had only become barely familiar with during the school years. It increasingly occured (and still does) to me as I explore it further, that there is a lot of similarity in some fundamental themes between Buddhism (particularly Mahayana) and Sufism. That led me to see and understand some themes and concepts of Buddhism through the eyes of Iranian thought tradition, although there are differences too which seems to me not to be in principles, rather in cultural backgrounds and manifestations.
Part of this process seems involuntary , perhaps even all of it. I mean, well I am from Iran, and from a traditional family background and the mystic Sufist tradition attracts me. But maybe it is partly voluntary? This becomes a bit clearer in the following lines.
Main theme:
Now, with that brief background in mind, let me try to explain what has happened to me, particularly in the last few months.
As I continued my practice of mindfulness and made it a bit deeper and focused on some occasions, and as I delved deeper (still not deep enough!) into Sufism literature and into Buddhist idea of co-dependent origination, my understanding and perception of my surroundings and my mind became all in all, letâs say, unusual. At times it takes an extreme turn, when I seem like a mesmerized person because of heavy mindfulness. I see all these streams of thought and feeling occuring every moment and thereâs nothing stopping them. It is just like wind blowing through plants and those plants reacting involuntarily by moving (or dancing) back and forth. On rare moments I feel locked up and unable to act (react) particularly when I am alone and mindful, because, I notice that almost everything that I do is just a mere reaction to external forces, whether apprent or hidden. Even the idea of marriage (an old dillema of mine) has become alot more challenging. I grapple with it everyday, every hour.
It feels scary honestly, with all such metaphors from both Sufism and Buddhism: like a feather in the wind (part of a poem by Rumi), like notes of music falling and rising (a Buddhist metaphor that I read in a book, apparenly attributed to Buddaghosa) etc. Sometimes it results in a contradictory state when I lose my mind and go mad, even as much as to disregard my beloved parents. Put simply, on those occasions I do not seem to know who I am anymore.
I feel sometimes that there is no way out of this deadend except for taking the plunge and leaving everything and everyone behind, and find a template in India for instance, when I can be guided and not wander around. But I canât do this, not now anyways. But what do I do now that I have reached this state and experience?With Buddhism being banned in Iran and difficult to understand, another way would be to understand our tradition better, wherein all we have all these great poets and mystics who - despite their poems full of monk-like themes- somehow, kinda strange to me at this stage, could live apprently normally among people, even with families. This has become a serious diellema for me. One solution for me is to take my tradition route. I know that the oneness idea was a major factor in tradition of Sufism, thereby they held this idea of an omnipresent thing which is apparently in one aspect a kind of god, but it goes by the name of The Love in our literature which sounds very much like Buddha-nature of Zen or Atman of Upanishads. By taking this kind of idea, it becomes kinda easier for me to live among people (not equal to socializing though). This path seems in practice very much like the Loving-kindness principle that I have read about in Buddhism. Our tradition also has similarities with the 8fold path, with lots of advice on right speech and action and life among others. Though it is not as systematic and scholastic as classical Buddhism. Being intertwined with poems, it has a more free flowing style.
I donât know. It seems to me that despite sounding very much like the ultimate truth, going down this Buddhism route further without a master or teacher, and disregarding our tradition, is highly likely to yield a negative and contradictory result, opposite of Buddhism ideals.
I am not sure what to do. Should I visit a therapist? Should I just do light mindfulness practice and stop going deep into Buddhist philosophy on my own? Should I disregard it all and live like âillusionedâ people? Should I take the plunge and visit a trustworthy monk? Should I stick with exploring Persian Sufist tradition (with its affinity to Buddhism)?
I know it is a bit unreasonable to ask given a shallow understanding of my situation, but hopefully there will be replies that can at least partly shed light on my path.
- With mehr (or Mithra, Persian word for Metta with same root)
