Friendship: the whole of the holy life?

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Friends and Venerables,
In regards to SN45.2 and the famous quote about good friends bring the whole of the holy life, I have a question.

Later in the sutta it says

“By the following method too, Ānanda, it may be understood how the entire holy life is good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship: by relying upon me as a good friend, Ānanda, beings subject to birth are freed from birth; beings subject to aging are freed from aging; beings subject to death…

Does this mean that the Buddha as a friend is ‘the good friend’ in the holy life or does this include our regular KM and Venerable sisters and brothers?

Another few suttas spring to mind

Bhikkhus, dwell with yourselves as an island, with yourselves as a refuge, with no other refuge; with the Dhamma as an island, with the Dhamma as a refuge, with no other refuge.
SN22.43

And of course the :rhinoceros: sutta snp1.3

For a sociable person
there are allurements;
on the heels of allurement, this pain.
Seeing allurement’s drawback,
wander alone
like a rhinoceros

Among others.

So in regards to the friendship and the path to Nibanna where does this place spiritual friendship?

The voice of another is required to progress on the path. However, my understanding is this is not just our friends but Noble teachers or, again, the Buddhadhamma.

I have found true spiritual friends quite rare and such a precious support but reading the suttas I wonder if we over or under emphasise their role.

I’d like to open this up for both sutta based and personal experience discussion. What do you all think?

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As I understand this matter: seek worthy friends, but do not cling to them. Surround yourself with those who will guide and encourage you to the Dhamma, but do not place the expectation of your own happiness and Awakening on them. Ultimately, no one else is responsible for your life and kamma but yourself. Seek but do not cling.

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“Holy life” - or as I prefer to translate “spiritual studentship” - is the translation of brahmacariya. And there is a nice sutta that describes the foundation (or beginning) of it in its aspects:

Bhikkhus, there are these eight causes and conditions that lead to obtaining the wisdom fundamental to the [beginning of the] spiritual life [ādibrahmacariyikāya paññāya]
(1) Here, a bhikkhu lives in dependence on the Teacher or on a certain fellow monk in the position of a teacher […]
(2) As he is living in dependence on the Teacher… he approaches them from time to time and inquires: ‘How is this, Bhante? What is the meaning of this?’ Those venerable ones then disclose to him what has not been disclosed, clear up what is obscure, and dispel his perplexity about numerous perplexing points.
(3) Having heard that Dhamma, he resorts to two kinds of withdrawal: withdrawal in body and withdrawal in mind.
(4) He is virtuous; he dwells restrained by the Pātimokkha […]
(5) He has learned much, remembers what he has learned, and accumulates what he has learned. […] – such teachings as these he has learned much of, retained in mind, recited verbally, mentally investigated, and penetrated well by view [diṭṭhiyā suppaṭividdhā].
(6) He has aroused energy for abandoning unwholesome qualities and acquiring wholesome qualities;
(7) In the midst of the Saṅgha, he does not engage in rambling and pointless talk.
(8) He dwells contemplating arising and vanishing in the five aggregates subject to clinging: ‘Such is form, such its origin, such its passing away […] (AN 8.2, DN 34)

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For me it’s always been important to have friends on the Buddhist path, it is both a support and a challenge. There are quite a lot of references in the suttas to the benefits of seclusion, though I’m not entirely clear what “seclusion” means in this context.

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Seclusion, in my mind is both point 3 and point 7 in @Gabriel’s post above.

As a lay person this is just taking time out to do nothing and be on your own, as well as meditate. As well as not engaging in gossip and idle chatter. Meaningful conversation about Dhamma with friends and spiritual companions are lovely and beneficial though. Though to me there can be too much of that too. I’ve turned into quite the hermit

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To me, the ultimate kalyāṇamitta is the Tathagata.

The individuals we meet along the path are helpful vehicles for the liberating contagion of the Dhamma.

Note that special attention should be given those who accomplished and good (sappurisa) and always willing and available to point us the right way and direction to aim our choices, or at least conducive towards hearing/ studying/ considering investigating the Dhamma.

I understand big picture suttas like AN10.61 support such understanding.

Personally, things got much simpler, clearer and productive when I considered and adopted this perspective of things.

:anjal:

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Me too! Or at least I like “frequenting empty places”…

https://suttacentral.net/en/iti45

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As can be seen from the above AN8.2, DN34, the reason to have KMs is to obtain the Dhamma - textually, verbally and modelled, I might add. KMs can be challenging too- if they haven’t become enlightened yet- so then they become an object to practice your divine abodes, and insight on …resulting in letting go of cravings, aversions, and delusions. They may initially show be alluring (assada), then as the allure fades, they may show their drawbacks -aadinava-(or drawbacks of the relationship). The important bit is to not become averse here, but persist until the drawbacks fade away and turn into release (nissanara) from the relationship with the object of concern.

KM must essentially lead to seclusion. Seclusion here is both tranquillity and insight as shown in Iti45. SN45.2 shows below how the Noble Eight Fold Path arrive at dispassion and cessation- the final result of the intertwining of tranquillity (samatha) and insight (vipassana)

“And how, Ānanda, does a bhikkhu who has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade, develop and cultivate the Noble Eightfold Path? Here, Ānanda, a bhikkhu develops right view, which is based upon seclusion, dispassion, and cessation, maturing in release. He develops right intention … right speech … right action … right livelihood … right effort … right mindfulness … right concentration, which is based upon seclusion, dispassion, and cessation, maturing in release. It is in this way, Ānanda, that a bhikkhu who has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade, develops and cultivates the Noble Eightfold Path. SN45.2

with metta

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One of my favourite suttas: Ud 4.1 Meghiyasutta:

Here we have an example of someone who tries to practise in seclusion without being mature enough for this, disregarding the Buddha’s advise and even neglecting his duties as the Buddha’s attendant!

The Buddha then explains to him how to bring his mind to maturity:

“For he whose freedom of mind is not fully mature, Meghiya, there are five things that lead to maturity. What five?

“Here, Meghiya, a monk has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade. For he whose freedom of mind is not fully mature, Meghiya, this is the first thing that leads to maturity.

“Furthermore, Meghiya, a monk is virtuous, he lives restrained with the Pātimokkha restraint, and is endowed with suitable conduct and resort, seeing danger in the slightest faults, he trains in the training rules he has undertaken. For he whose freedom of mind is not fully mature, Meghiya, this is the second thing that leads to maturity.

“Furthermore, Meghiya, a monk has talk about what is very austere, that is suitable for opening up the mind, and that leads to absolute disenchantment, dispassion, cessation, peace, deep knowledge, complete Awakening and Emancipation, such as: talk on wanting little, talk on being satisfied, talk on complete seclusion, talk on disassociation, talk on arousing energy, talk on virtue, talk on concentration, talk on wisdom, talk on freedom, talk on knowing and seeing freedom. Such talk as this he gains as he desires, he gains without difficulty, gains without trouble. For he whose freedom of mind is not fully mature, Meghiya, this is the third thing that leads to maturity.

“Furthermore, Meghiya, a monk dwells with energy aroused for the giving up of unwholesome things, for the taking up of wholesome things, steadfast, of firm endeavour, one who has not thrown off the burden in regard to wholesome things. For he whose freedom of mind is not fully mature, Meghiya, this is the fourth thing that leads to maturity.

“Furthermore, Meghiya, a monk is wise, he is endowed with wisdom that leads to seeing rise and disappearance, with noble penetration, that leads to the complete destruction of suffering. For he whose freedom of mind is not fully mature, Meghiya, this is the fifth thing that leads to maturity.

“For he whose freedom of mind is not fully mature, Meghiya, these five things leads to maturity.

And he continues:

“It can be expected, Meghiya, that for a monk who has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade, that he will be virtuous, that he will live restrained with the Pātimokkha restraint, and will be endowed with suitable conduct and resort, seeing danger in the slightest fault, and will train in the training rules he has undertaken.

“It can be expected, Meghiya, that for a monk who has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade, that he will have talk that is very austere, that is suitable for opening up the mind, and that leads to absolute disenchantment, dispassion, cessation, peace, deep knowledge, complete Awakening and Emancipation, such as: talk on wanting little, talk on being satisfied, talk on complete seclusion, talk on disassociation, talk on stirring up energy, talk on virtue, talk on concentration, talk on wisdom, talk on freedom, talk on knowing and seeing freedom. Such talk as this he gains as he desires, he gains without difficulty, gains without trouble.

“It can be expected, Meghiya, that for a monk who has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade, that he will be a monk with energy aroused for the giving up of unwholesome things, for the taking up of wholesome things, steadfast, of firm endeavour, one who has not thrown off the burden in regard to wholesome things.

“It can be expected, Meghiya, that for a monk who has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade, that he will be wise, endowed with wisdom that leads to seeing rise and disappearance, with noble penetration, that leads to the complete destruction of suffering.

This means, having the first of the five factors, a good spiritual friend, this will automatically help fulfilling the other four factors! :heartpulse::monastic:

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Thanks for this. I didn’t know of this sutta :slight_smile:

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Thanks for this wonderful thread!

In the first instance it reminds me of a confusion I ran into a while ago about something that appears at least once (although I think I recall a similar idea popping up a few times) in the Dhammapada:

Should a seeker not find a companion who is better or equal, let him resolutely pursue a solitary course; there is no fellowship with the fool. (Dhp 61)

If everyone followed this, I wondered, how would anyone be able to become companions with some who is better than them (the better one would reject the other as a ‘fool’)? The logical difficulty makes me think perhaps I missed something, maybe something that has relevance to the question here.

I’ve never really thought on the possibility the ‘good friend’ of the suttas might have ‘restricted’ meaning, but it does rather make sense to me how this might refer to just those who’ve broken through to stream entry or beyond.

Saying that, even if this were so, I think there’s enough evidence in the suttas to show that a more ‘mundane’ kind of good friendship is also pretty important on the path, eg. Thag 17.3, or AN 7.36 (+ all those places where the Buddha recommends Dhamma discussion and so on).

Taking up the experiential side of things mentioned in the OP, I think lay life very readily demonstrates to me how useful it can be to hangout with people who are interested in the Dhamma via the contrast in the nature of conversations one can find oneself in.

To me, just that shows how beneficial and encouraging it is to share company with someone who at least to some degree agrees with the basic premise that the satisfactions a well-adapted member of society is typically meant to seek are pretty much hollow, and that meaningful, secure satisfaction is available.

Then there is the gift of witnessing and reflecting on good qualities friends display in everyday contexts and the practical lessons this might afford. Likewise, all the sharing of bits and bobs (deeds that fortify committent, common difficulties, minor successes and whatnot) seems to serve as a very helpful anchor.

Also, the most intriguing discovery I have made is that friends can be astonishingly and unbearably kind. Kindness, apparently, is a big deal on the path, especially when said path is giving you a thrashing! :wink:

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I felt the same way as you when I read that stanza, Aminah. There’s another sutta, though (AN 3.26), that expands on when we might associate with one who’s less-developed (bold added by me):

“And what kind of person, bhikkhus, is not to be associated with, followed, and served? Here, some person is inferior to oneself in virtuous behavior, concentration, and wisdom. Such a person is not to be associated with, followed, and served except out of sympathy and compassion.

The whole sutta (it’s short) is relevant to the thread, as it teaches how one should interact with the three levels of people: those less-developed than one, those equally-developed, and those more-developed.

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In Snp 1.3, it is said that “one should live alone like a rhinoceros” as a way to steer clear of problems and negative external/internal circumstances, however, if a spiritual friend can be found, one should stay with him/her.

In Snp 1.3, there is a single passage that doesn’t end with “one should live alone like a rhinoceros horn”, but instead ends with “one should live with him, satisfied and mindful”.

  1. If one should find a judicious companion,
    a fellow wanderer, of good behavior, resolute,
    having overcome all obstacles, one should
    live with him, satisfied and mindful    . (11)

  2. But if one does not find a judicious companion,
    a fellow wanderer, of good behavior, resolute,
    like a king who has abandoned a conquered realm,
    one should live alone like a rhinoceros horn. (12)

  3. Surely, we praise the excellence of companionship:
    one should resort to companions one’s equal or better.
    Not obtaining these, as one who eats blamelessly
    one should live alone like a rhinoceros horn.     (13)

Snp 1.3, Khaggavisāṇa Sutta — The Rhinoceros Horn (transl. Bhikkhu Bodhi)

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Thank you so much @Christopher, AN 3.26 completely explains that puzzle away. :slight_smile:

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I very much like MN34 and the beautiful imagery of the:

… young new-born calf which, by following the lowing of its mother, also cut across the stream of the Ganges and went safely beyond …

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By coincidental wandering I came across AN1.94-5:

Bhikkhus, I do not see even a single thing that leads to such great harm as bad friendship. Bad friendship leads to great harm. (AN1.94)

Bhikkhus, I do not see even a single thing that leads to such great good as good friendship. Good friendship leads to great good. (AN1.95)

In turn it occurred to me, if ‘the good friend’ did, indeed, have a precise meaning of the Buddha or a (technically) noble person, then here I might expect a corresponding precise meaning for a bad friend, and I just can’t think of one (sure there is Mara, but to me it this would be an incredibly awkward fit what with his not being a regular person one can make friends with).

Going by this line of thinking alone, I feel it reasonable to think ‘the good friend’ has a broad definition of anyone who supports the development of wholesome qualities and wisdom and such.

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I think this is one who increases craving, aversion and delusions in you. Can’t remember the sutta right now.

With metta

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Actually I have lot of spiritual friends around me. (not to mention you. :grinning:
I do not expect my spiritual friend to be an Arahant or Sotapanna.
What I need is someone who can give me some sensible answers to my questions and perhaps a role model.

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I don’t expect my spiritual friends to be sotapana+ either. I’m just saying there are the people I discuss Dhamma with and then there are the people I trust with the ‘big stuff’. The people who if I had a choice we’d stay together and even when we aren’t we’ve got each other’s shoulder to cry on and share in each other’s joy and triumphs. Maybe you have many of these. In which case much mudita to you.

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Unfortunately, most of my Kalyanamittas from Internet except say three friends.
My definition of Kalyanamitta is a person who helps with my dhamma path.

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