I sincerely hope my concerns are met with patience, understanding, and compassion.
As found inside the Anguttara Nikāya, in the book of the eights, is a passage of which does regard Gotamī asking for permission to ordainment; many-times over I have read the passage, but for the sake of identifying which I seek aid for:
“*Ānanda, if females had not gained the going forth from the lay life to homelessness in the teaching and training proclaimed by the Realized One, the spiritual life would have lasted long. The true teaching would have remained for a thousand years. But since they have gained the going forth, now the spiritual life will not last long. The true teaching will remain only five hundred years. *
*It’s like those families with many women and few men. They’re easy prey for bandits and thieves. In the same way, the spiritual life does not last long in a teaching and training where females gain the going forth. *
*It’s like a field full of rice. Once the disease called ‘white bones’ attacks, it doesn’t last long. In the same way, the spiritual life does not last long in a teaching and training where females gain the going forth. *
*It’s like a field full of sugar cane. Once the disease called ‘red rot’ attacks, it doesn’t last long. In the same way, the spiritual life does not last long in a teaching and training where females gain the going forth. *
As a man might build a dyke around a large lake as a precaution against the water overflowing, in the same way as a precaution I’ve prescribed the eight principles of respect as not to be transgressed so long as life lasts.”
The quoted text, is a mere few excerpts from a single sutta inside the Book of the Eights. They are minute and few compared to the whole of the teaching, but after reading them recently…they have consumed my waking and sleeping thoughts, left me discouraged, and affected my emotional wellbeing. I rationally know, I am making more of a single text than I should be; but when it won’t get out of my head, it becomes difficult to be hopeful and OK.
I have read many of the suttas, and keep book on them for where I may find certain passages and lessons. I will admit, too, that I am relatively new and inexperienced in the officially teaching, and lack a locally accessible manner in which to communicate with a spiritual advisor. I have a mind which is afflicted by several various disorders, and it is important to realise that this alone makes it difficult for me to proceed the same manner in which most might find works. Perhaps, too, this fact makes my progress along the path slower.
I am very susceptible to taking the words of someone I revere and relying on them to form the basis of my thought, and any sense of value I could possibly have of myself. I have come out of my worst mental states because of realising many aspects of Buddhism, and I respect the Buddha and the path immensely.
I know the passage is speaking of the ordainment of a female follower, and not the capability of females to achieve enlightenment as a whole. But, in my mind, I have unfortunately taken any slight suggestion of a female being incapable of pursuing the path to the same extent and manner as a male to heart; as a reason to return to the belief that something is wrong with being a female and a follower.
Everything is impermanent, and is constantly changing; what Buddhist could refute that? The societal regard and the way in which it acts is just as susceptible to change, as is the seasons and the perspectives of one’s own self.
I know, the Buddha denied the notion he was superhuman, a figure that nobody else could ever hope to be even close to being like — but is he not the Perfected One? He was accomplished in all ways, he had freed himself entirely from the cycle of rebirth. If he of all beings is so reluctant to ordain females…what right would a layperson have to dispute that? Other-where in the canon, it is even stated that as the processes worked for him, if they do not work for us, we must look to where we must improve or change.
I understand that the passage directly confirms that females, too, can obtain enlightenment — and I have read within the canon, too, the proof that the Buddha was not discriminatory or hypocritical as my brain is trying to force me to believe. But this alone doesn’t ease my mind, and I’m a little scared at the thought maybe I shouldn’t pursue enlightenment until I have a life reborn in a male body. It’s stupid, I know, but please understand it is hard to change this way of thinking. I’m trying my best, I really am, but sometimes I just need a little support and the minds of others to help me.
I know this perhaps comes-across as a rant — but it isn’t my intention. In a time of trouble, and not knowing where to turn, I have decided to try and be reminded of the truth by those who can say it best. Please be patient with me. I’ve reached out to various online communities before, which should have been places of compassion and kindness, to have my words received with vileness and exasperation. I need whoever chooses to respond to this to keep-in-mind I have a very afflicted way of thinking, and a concerningly low self-regard. I don’t have anywhere else to turn with this, and I’m not looking for honeyed words. Please, I just want someone to explain to me why this shouldn’t change how I feel about the Buddha and the path. I really am relying on gentle words.
I apologise with addition, that I typically refuse to write when my mind sways into this train of thought; normally, I am able to write a comprehensive, logical argument devoid of emotional influence. But in this moment, I am trapped within a cycle of uncertainty and emotional chaos that needs to hear the voice of another Buddhist. Please understand, personality disorders are difficult to function with. I have faith that if anyone is capable of such, it is the people of here.
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